Champagne Wishes...

Let me just make this clear first: I don't wish to be wealthy. Some people do, and I don't judge, I'm just not one of them. I'm too much of a realist. Sure, I'd be glad if it happened, (duh) but I try to stay grounded and wish for more attainable goals, like just being comfortable. Not even that-I just wish to be OK. I want to know that all my bills will get paid every month and nothing is being shut off. I want to be able to pay my rent on time every month and not be afraid to speak to my landlord for fear that he wants to evict me. I don't want to have to choose between these things and making sure my kids eat. Right now tho, nothing is "OK", and everything that I am afraid of is actually happening. Struggling is making me more and more bitter as each day passes, and I'm inadvertently resenting people who have it better than I do. I wonder what it's like to have that "OK" feeling, instead of a knot on your stomach and stress eating you alive. I wonder what it's like to be able to crawl in bed and sleep at night and not have to try to turn your brain off or medicate yourself before you can get any rest. I wonder what it's like to be virtually carefree.
I'm in a position where everything that could go wrong, is, and I'm drowning in it. It's wave after wave of bullshit, and I have no chance to come up for air before something else crashes down on me. I'm curious if I did something completely heinous and unforgiveable in a past life and I'm being punished. Is there a place I can go and sign up for community service to repent for my unforgiveable mystery offense? Because I would take anything else over this.
I hate the fact that everyone else seems to have a better handle on life and happiness than I do. This is gonna sound completely nuts, but I find myself analyzing people, strangers, when I'm out in public, just by what they're wearing, buying, driving, convincing myself that they have "NO IDEA" what it's like to go through this, and subsequentially hating them for it. "I bet they have a fantastic life", I say to myself, "Bastards."
It's a sickness, I know.

I know most of my feelings stem directly from depression, and with all that I'm dealing with now, how can I not be depressed. I just can't seem to get out of it. I'm in this vortex of hell, where horrible things constantly befall me, and I don't have a chance to see the bright side of anything. There isn't time to breathe. In the meantime, I'm stuck in this; I can't be truly happy for anyone when they have good news to share, because the first thought that comes to mind is 'how come it's not happening to me?'. It's selfish and wrong and I must be a terrible person for it. I just can't help myself. How can I be happy for anyone when I can't even be happy for myself?
I hate the fact that I don't have anyone I can share these feelings with. People that were supposed to be there for me aren't. The ones I trusted most proved themselves otherwise, and it's like salt in a wound. I feel like I have no choice but to curl further into myself and hide from everyone, because I'm afraid of opening up and letting anyone see how bad I'm actually bleeding. Nobody knows what's really going on, and I'm ashamed to actually say the words to anyone. Vulnerability does not come easily to me; it never has. It's too easy to get hurt when you let your guard down, and with everything else that I have going on, I can't add that to the list. It's happened way to much as it is. Instead I paint on a smile and choke out a few phony giggles just to keep suspicions at bay. It's becoming exhausting, but I know my embarrassment would trump the exhaustion if the truth came out. I don't know how to trust anyone enough to completely open up.
I can say it before you can think it, Reader: I am a hot mess. This I can freely admit. My life is an upside-down shambles, and at 31 years old, this is not where I wanted to be. I just don't know how to get it right again.