::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I haven't posted much about The Ex in a while, so let me wax philosophical on him for a spell. Before I go into it, I just want to reiterate that I have been doing just fine with the 'being over him' stuff.  Sure, there are still lingering feelings, and most likely always will be.  I would be remiss if I ever said there wasn't after spending half a decade with the guy.  I'm doing ok, and realize it was just never meant to happen for various reasons ::: cough he'sawhore cough ::  Of course, it doesn't stop him from telling me how much he still loves me and wishes we never broke up...and then in the next breath, ask if I would like to see an ultrasound image of "the baby". The Baby... aw, cootchie coo, what a proud daddy he is.  And if you didn't notice the sarcasm dripping off of that statement, I'll explain it to you. I can't help but still be stung on this whole baby thing.  The idea is wedged so far under my skin that I'm start...

  So here's what I want to know:  How is the hell is a person supposed to stay all positive and happy and cool as a cucumber when said person keeps getting the Whammy in life?  I'm waiting for some corny game show host to come out of the closet with his sepia tan, waxed hair and skinny microphone, pat me on the shoulder and say "Aw, so sorry, but thanks so much for playing!" You know what I say?  Screw you, Monty Hall of life, and all your booby prizes too. I hope you get lost behind Curtain #3.  Bastard.   Obviously something triggered my little game-show-metaphor-filled rant; something always does. Aside from just more BS with SP (who is becoming more hassle than he's worth to me at this point, but more on that  later), I have found myself back at Square 1-AGAIN-in the old search for work.  I interviewed (and WELL) for a position I was perfect for, and vice versa, and got the polite brush off via email this afternoon.  This is honestly ju...

    Spent some time with SP yesterday, and got  into a pretty deep conversation about the pitfalls and mistakes in relationships.  He surprised me by pointing out a lot of things men do that really fuck a woman up, but all the while thinking they're in the right.  I was shocked just to hear this not only come from his mouth, but his disdain for all the games as a whole.  We seemed to be on the same level and wavelength about most of our relationship ideals and expectations, and it was a pretty enlightening conversation.  Then we made out.   The reason for my visit in the first place was because, for the first time, he reached out to me on an emotional level.  He texted me telling me how off he was feeling, just upset and sad for some reason, which was weird because, (one) he's ALWAYS happy, and (two) this sort of "reach out" had never happened before; he even went so far as to ask me to come over to hug him-I was shocked and sort of mov...

I was always that person who stressed that biology and family are not mutually inclusive.  Most of who I consider "family" are people from a totally different set of genetics.  Family is whatever and whomever you make it.  This was an ideology rooted in me from birth, and something that I'm proud to believe in.   My maternal grandparents divorced sometime in the late 60's, leaving my mother an only child, and in 1972, Grandpa married a divorcee with 4 kids of her own.  From the time I was born, I recognized all of these people as my family, and never once questioned the fact that we weren't actually related.  Gramps wife was my Mema, and I saw her as nothing less than my grandma-I was the lucky kid with THREE of them.  Her kids were my aunts and uncle; their kids, my cousins, and I was the oldest of 8 of us.  Some of my favorite memories growing up involve these people.  I was closer to them than I was to my flesh and blood from my father's ...

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman

..."Why ya have to go and make things so complicated??..."  Damn, I went and did it anyway.  Fuck it. So, I've come to an intelligent conclusion-wanna hear it? Of course you do, you came here seeking wisdom, so here it is:  Boys are crazier than girls.  I know!!  I'm a freakin' genius! I just couldn't help it; I came up with that all by myself, now where's my Nobel prize? I'm still running around with visions of SP dancing in my head...ok, well, he's not so much dancing,  as he's...nevermind. Anyway, so I still have my feelings, so evidently I didn't just come down with some 24 hour love flu or something; it looks like it may be the real deal.  I haven't told him yet tho because I'm a huge F'n chicken and have no idea how to kick that off... "That shirt looks fantastic stretched over your gigantic chest, oh, and by the way, I'm crazy in love with you."  Um, yeah.  Probably not the best delivery.  I HAVE, howeve...

I can feel myself backsliding into that dark area again.  It's not like before, not as intense, but I can feel it wrapping itself around my ankles and trying to pull me down. I've made huge strides to get myself out of that place, but every now and then it's gotta drop over me like a cloud to remind me where I came from and how easy it is to go back.   I'm carrying around a lot of heavy burdens, so sinking from the weight of it all makes sense.  I'm still reeling from the news from the Ex; learning how to deal with that is proving to be harder than I thought.  The anger and sadness churn inside me like a bubbling witches brew.  When you're an outsider, it's easy to say how 'better off' I am, and how 'things happen for a reason', but you aren't inside of me feeling that burn. I've been more plagued with guilt and shame than usual over my decision 5 years ago.  Just another brick in my burden bag.   My love life is completely stalled...