::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I carry a thought around in my head all the time that I never wanted to share here, for various reasons.  Tonight, I stopped giving a fuck about those reasons and I'm all about full disclosure, say what you will to me about it. I always thought in the back of my mind that the Ex and I would somehow run full circle, and end up together in the end.  I believed that's where we belonged, problems be damned.  I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I figured we would take our time, explore other options, maybe fall in love elesewhere, whatever, but in the end, circle back to home and start fresh.  He was always mine, and I was always his. There's a poem by Maya Angelou called In and Out of Time that sums us up perfectly.  I carried that around in my head, idealistic, believing what I dreamed is what would be, eventually.  I was content in waiting for that. Today I was hit by a reality check that knocked the wind out of me and I couldn't breathe. Ex is go...

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I knew no other way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep"....Pablo Neruda I was going through some old things, letters and emails and such, and I fell on this.  I sent it to the Ex on his last birthday, even after the cheating scandal.  I couldn't help myself-it was just so fitting for what was and what could have been.  As I read it tonight, this river of tears bubbled up out of nowhere and flowed down my face like a waterfall, and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing.  Wasn't it just a short time ago that I was just doing my little celebratory dance and rejoicing the fact that I had him out of my system?  Ah...who am I kidding but myself anyway?  He's lodged in there too tightly.  I know de...

I may as well come right out with it.  I've decided to take a break for a while.  No blogs, no FB updates, nada.  I have a jumbly jungle of thoughts and emotions swimming around inside me now and I need some time to sort them all out.  In short, I'm kind of a basket case right now.  Between what's happening/not happening with SP, and new details I learned about my ex, on top of being cooped up in my bed for 5 days now and only having time to think, my head and soul are a complete disaster area, and my brain just can't keep up.  I'm sort of on overload, and if another shoe drops, I'm afraid to know what will happen. I'm gonna spend some time focusing on myself, and try to remember who I am, and that I am worthy of good things.  Maybe once I believe that, they'll finally come.

Hearts are pointless, and love is a myth. Go ahead and disagree with me if you must, or try to talk me out of it.  Good luck with that.  For a while I started to fall back into the hype, wanting it, believing in it, even after my own heart was obliterated and I promised myself it would be the last time.  Now?  I give up completely on the entire idea.  It doesn't exist-not for me.  I'm tired of putting my whole self out there only to pull back a bloody stump. I should probably rewind a little. When I spend time with SP, things are great.  Amazing.  Everything I said in my earlier posts were real and from the soul.  He made me feel things I didn't think I could feel anymore, and I wanted to believe he felt similarly for me as well.  For a while, I did, so I let myself get comfortable in that idea.  Soon after, the phone calls and texts and emails became less and less frequent.  I would start to doubt myself, and him...then he...

I must have been dead for a long time.  Some people went and got all complacent about me, and never really saw my other side.  I guess that's my fault, because I hid that shit well.  I'm awake now fuckers, fully alert and present, and you have just stepped on a landmine.  If you hurry and backpedal, you may escape with your face somewhat in tact.  You underestimated me, and have no idea what I'm capable of.   I don't take kindly to idle threats-I never have.  I also don't find myself physically or emotionally intimidated by many people, if any at all.  I take pride in the fact that I'm a tough as nails bitch who will go toe to toe with just about anyone, and laugh as I watch them scamper away like a bitch when I simply cock my eyebrow.  Unfortunately some dumb motherfuckers mistake my kindness for weakness, which is the first mistake of many.  I find it HILARIOUS when people who have never even witnessed a physical altercation take it u...

Most people say they hate dating.  I'm not one of them.  Dating is fun, it's easy, and it doesn't kill you if it doesn't work out.  It's the disposable razor of the relationship world-one gets dull, oh look, there's another one right there.  I'm having a good time with this dating thing...for the most part. Some days though, I can't help but long for what's missing. I miss being in love.  I miss that crazy, out of your head, butterflies all over the body feeling when he's around.  I miss the incomparable joy that radiates through you and out of you, and how every day you feel like the sun is shining directly out of your body. I miss the "us against the world" feeling when you and he are just..solid. I miss falling asleep in someone's arms, warm and safe, then waking up to them smiling at me in the morning, knowing they feel the same as me.   I've been having bits and pieces of these things with SP, and there are no words for ...

The juice is loose. My mojo, my swagger, my mack-daddy-ness, call it what you want; I thought it missing, but now here it is again, back like the prodigal, almost like it never left.  In the illustrious words of Mr. James Brown,   "I FEEL GOOD!" I've noticed, even when I have a shitty day, I still feel pretty damn hunky dory and not like my life is crumbling at my feet.  I get pissed off, I get sad, but I get over it and move on.  I'm.... dare I say it ... ME again. (insert epiphany moment, sunlight and angels singing here )  The clouds have broken, Hallelujah!  I never thought I would see this day, but welcome back, Me...it's nice to have you back.   On that same note, things are still going along quite nicely with the aforementioned friend..(I should probably give him a name right about now too, so let's just call him SP to keep the anonymity going and no, those are not his initials for all of you looking to go all Magnum P. I. on ...