Somebody Shake The Life Back Into Me
I dunno if it's the weather or just the current state of my affairs, or a bitter cocktail of the two, but I can't shake the overwhelming feeling of ickiness that has crept over me these last few days. I've been feeling bitter, angry, sad. I've become completely withdrawn, hibernating in my bedroom for the last 2 days with only Netflix to keep me company, fighting to swallow that "I'm gonna cry" lump that formed in my throat for no reason at all. Things irritate me without much reason, and when they do, I get irrationally angry. I don't care enough to hold onto it for very long tho-the apathy causes it to burn out as quickly as it came.
I'm really lonely these days, which is probably my own fault. Unfortunately it's become a catch 22-I'm alone because I don't want to bring my bullshit up to anyone, and as much as I can't stand the isolation, the embarrassment of it inevitably coming up in conversation would bother me twice as much. I hate feeling lonely, but I feel like it's my only choice. It sucks.
I felt a bit more hopeful today; I made plans with my daughter to go out and just have a girls' day. I lounged around til late afternoon, and decided I couldn't stand it anymore, and got my ass together. Just before I was ready, she suddenly decided she "didn't feel like going" anywhere. It bothered me a little...alot actually, but rather than tell her that, I left, leaving her with the impression that I was gonna carry on with the original plan solo. Instead I sat in my car in the park for 3 hours, not really knowing where else to go.
Wow, that sounds pathetic. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't wanna hang out with me either.
I'm really lonely these days, which is probably my own fault. Unfortunately it's become a catch 22-I'm alone because I don't want to bring my bullshit up to anyone, and as much as I can't stand the isolation, the embarrassment of it inevitably coming up in conversation would bother me twice as much. I hate feeling lonely, but I feel like it's my only choice. It sucks.
I felt a bit more hopeful today; I made plans with my daughter to go out and just have a girls' day. I lounged around til late afternoon, and decided I couldn't stand it anymore, and got my ass together. Just before I was ready, she suddenly decided she "didn't feel like going" anywhere. It bothered me a little...alot actually, but rather than tell her that, I left, leaving her with the impression that I was gonna carry on with the original plan solo. Instead I sat in my car in the park for 3 hours, not really knowing where else to go.
Wow, that sounds pathetic. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't wanna hang out with me either.
OH mama! I wish I could hug the pain right out of you. If you want answers how to feel better, then I have them for you. A lot of life that we have to deal with or don't want to deal with are a catch-22. But when you step outside of your bubble and let people in, you will find that whatever happens, it truly is for a reason. If you feel like crying, then CRY, let it out. Cry as much as you need to because one day you won't want to cry and you'll just stop.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a lot of time on your hands, I would go find someone to help. You will find that helping someone will fill your heart with joy. Try walking around the neighborhood. Research the benefits of yoga & meditation. Reach out to the people that love you (ME). We all go through trials and tribulations, but we need to take a step back and really figure out what we've learned from it, so we are not doomed to repeat it.
This is your time to blog, journal, tweet or simply pen & paper your lessons, feelings, and epiphanies through that last years of pain. What you will learn is that people in the world need to hear it. You will be the first hand master of your life, and the pain you lived through will ultimately save someone from their pain. I LOVE YOU!