Rumble.
I feel as if there is a storm brewing inside me, ready to go ballistic without a moment's notice. The irritation is churning inside me like the build up to a hurricane, ready to wreak havoc at the slightest tweak in pressure. I hate this about myself, but I can't seem to turn it off...the sickest part is I don't think I want to. I want to blow up. I want to do some damage. Part of me feels like I need the pressure release in order to restore some balance. Even then, I'm afraid to open the floodgates for fear that I may not be able to close them again.
I have come full circle in the worst possible way. I came from Hell, rose from the ashes, had 2 months of bliss, only to be plunged right back into the fire again without warning. It's hard to not think that my destiny is to have a shitty life. I can't seem to escape it for very long...when I think I have it licked, the darkness finds it's way back to me, knocking me right back down again. Is this what I'm supposed to have? It's that all there is for me? Even through the bullshit, I struggled to maintain a positive attitude, and you know what it got me? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Except, of course, pulled over and arrested. Again. Just for taking my child to school. Something that is supposed to be "the right thing to do". Me doing "the right thing" is about to land me right back in the county lockup for fuck knows how long this time. Could that be a contributing factor to my irritation? Fuckin A it is. Thats the bitter fuckin cherry on top of everything else. THAT, all by itself, erased any positive attitude I attempted to maintain. Riding couches, I perservered. Searching for jobs, I perservered. "Just keep swimming..." I thought I finally won when I landed a job-woohoo! The streak is over, I could breathe again! Hallelujah! ....wait for it....Yep, the rug was pulled once again. As fast as it came, it went. It's literally the story of my life, and the saddest fucking thing I've ever witnessed. It naturally begs the question:
"WHY KEEP TRYING?"
I'm only going to fail...miserably, epically...no matter how "positive" I am.
I have come full circle in the worst possible way. I came from Hell, rose from the ashes, had 2 months of bliss, only to be plunged right back into the fire again without warning. It's hard to not think that my destiny is to have a shitty life. I can't seem to escape it for very long...when I think I have it licked, the darkness finds it's way back to me, knocking me right back down again. Is this what I'm supposed to have? It's that all there is for me? Even through the bullshit, I struggled to maintain a positive attitude, and you know what it got me? Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Except, of course, pulled over and arrested. Again. Just for taking my child to school. Something that is supposed to be "the right thing to do". Me doing "the right thing" is about to land me right back in the county lockup for fuck knows how long this time. Could that be a contributing factor to my irritation? Fuckin A it is. Thats the bitter fuckin cherry on top of everything else. THAT, all by itself, erased any positive attitude I attempted to maintain. Riding couches, I perservered. Searching for jobs, I perservered. "Just keep swimming..." I thought I finally won when I landed a job-woohoo! The streak is over, I could breathe again! Hallelujah! ....wait for it....Yep, the rug was pulled once again. As fast as it came, it went. It's literally the story of my life, and the saddest fucking thing I've ever witnessed. It naturally begs the question:
"WHY KEEP TRYING?"
I'm only going to fail...miserably, epically...no matter how "positive" I am.
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