I Feel Bad....That I Don't Feel Bad.

  My mom and I had a conversation earlier today that landed on the subject of me and my "possible someday" marriage/long-term partner. Sparing you the superfluous details of the conversation, I surprised myself by coming to a conclusion that even I didn't see coming:  I don't WANT it.   The shock on my mother's face when I said probably matched my own, but after I said it, I realized that I don't feel bad about it.  The simple fact that I feel this way, however, is what bothers me. I don't want any part of a committed relationship, (or even an uncommited one for that matter) but for as long as I can remember, it was all I ever wished for. Now, just the idea gives me the willies.  It's disconcerting, this whole shift.  It's sudden, and it's a weird feeling, and I'm starting to think that I just don't believe in love anymore.  I mean, if you have it and you're happy, that's great, because it works for you.  I'm just starting to doubt that it was ever meant for me.  I'm not bitter about it, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not cryin' in my Cheerios about it every morning-I've more or less just accepted it, and am ready to just get on with the rest of my life without it.
Will I get lonely?  Sure.  But I'll take the dull ache of loneliness over the searing agony of heartbreak any day.  Take it and be happy.  Am I simply gun-shy after the bullshit Ramsey Circus?  Perhaps.  But the sting of that has pretty much faded out, so I know I'm not feeling this way because I'm hurting.  I'm just resigned.  There could be alot of reasons that I feel the way I do, and I could speculate all day long, but I don't want to.  I can't predict the future, I could never know what may fall into my  lap someday, but as of now, it's not even on my radar.  I think I'll just be happier believing it doesn't exist, and you can't miss what you never had.