Introducing...Myself.

It's officially my 31st birthday now that it's 1am. Happy 31st to...um, me.
It was a tough road going from 30 to 31. My "year in review" isn't much to rave about; actually I wish I could erase it all and start over. Anyone have a really big pencil? Haha. Ok, cat's outta the bag, I'm corny. May as well get that out in the open first. I also drip with sarcasm most of the time, I have a sharp, dry kinda wit you usually find in older men, and I like to say that I refuse to take any shit from anyone, but I usually end up taking ALOT of shit, as you will soon find out in this blog....hence, the reason I'm here. (Wow, I just said 'hence'. I am old. Fuck!)
I debated whether or not to just cut and paste my own personal non-blog on here and give you that for a backstory, but decided to start fresh and try to pack 4 years of backstory into one entry...Note that I said "try"....I will do my best not to bore you all to suicide, I promise.
Ok quickly for reference's sake, I am a female, I am a mother of two who will be heretofore referred to as Drama and Monkey, ages 12 and 7, respectively, and I am in a live-in, LTR with a man who I'll call Grande, who will no doubt hog the spotlight of my lovely web log. I find it easier to not propel him (or myself or anyone near me) through any available windows when I'm pissed off at him after I vent it here. So, with that being said, fasten your seatbelts, because my blogs tend to be bumpy....

Grande and I have been together for nearly 4 years. He is brilliant, fun, talented, sexy, and my best friend in the world. He also gets under my skin deeper than an avenging fungus. We have, hands down, the dirtiest fights a couple could have. I mean, we go there. Names, 'yo mamas', all of it. Hard as we try, sometimes things get way out of hand over the smallest things. I hate to say it, but honestly, it's mostly him. (ok male readers, proceed with the collective groans and gripes, you know you want to.) He just has to be that guy who beats a dead horse, resurrects it, and beats it again just for giggles. Seriously, where's a staple gun when you need one???
He's the guy who's never wrong. He's also the guy who will tell you he's wrong but really doesn't think so and only says it to shut you up as he channel surfs and tunes you out and brings it up in the NEXT argument which will generally happen in 3.5 days. Following me so far?
He's the guy who will emphatically spell out your shortcomings and jump on the 'I Told You So' train as soon as he sees an excuse to do so, but when it's him in the hotseat, he will manipulate the hell out of the situation so you're back listening to your own shortcomings.
Yes, it is a vicious and annoying circle.
It's to the point recently where I would really rather not even be near him at all, or him near me. Now that's especially important if you knew how things used to be with us. I used to literally crave this man. I was mad for him from day one, and had to beat all his other women off with a stick just to have him to myself. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him, and I never wanted anything in return, other than him next to me. I went through things with him that most smart women would run far, far away from; drugs, sex addiction, booze addiction, no stability....etc. I was so smitten with him that none of it mattered, and I thought if I just loved him hard enough, we would make it past all of that together and he would be aaaalll mine (yes, I fluttered the eyelashes). Just him and me against the world type stuff. To be fair, we have overcome that stuff....Mostly.
The drugs are gone. The women are gone. Lovey-dovey love didn't make them go away tho, ultimatums did. He's grown up-ALOT-since we started, so I give him credit. I stand by him and support him and anything he does. I want wonderful things for him. I just wonder sometimes if I actually want him.
I've broken alot of ground with him, and we have gone through mountains of shit together, and he really is my other half in most senses. I feel almost incomplete without him. (hold your 'aaawww's please, you'll change your mind in a sec.) Being with him tho is starting to feel like an uphill hike. I feel like I'm spending everyday trying to avoid a fight. There's always something simmering just under the surface, and if I tread carefully, I can avoid it. Sometimes tho it's impossible to be careful and it blows the lid off. I don't want to be careful anymore. I don't want to walk around on eggshells, avoiding the elephant that seems to always be in the room. I don't want to hear 'I told you so' when I screw up, and if I do, I want to be able to say that 'I told you so' has a brother named 'shut the hell up' and not have something start. But I can't, because it does.
We started my birthday off with an argument and now he's snoring away on the couch. It's just barely 2am. We fought on my last two birthdays too. It's becoming a sick tradition. This time it was because I slipped on the ice while walking our dog (lovingly nicknamed Freight Train) because she impulsively took off on a slacked lead while I wasn't expecting it. Her quick movement sent me into a slip and fall that would have been hilarious and maybe even won me 10 grand on America's Funniest Videos, only I was livid and sore...and without a camcorder, of course. Coming inside, I was greeted with an (you guessed it) I told you so and beligerent, smug, superior attitude. I HATE when he acts like that, it makes me want to do vile, horrible, unspeakable things to him to the point where you need his dental records to identify him later. Instead, I closed the door to the bedroom and pretended to ignore him. It didn't work.
My point is, I don't want to not want him. I don't want to feel so negatively about him. I just don't know how to make things better anymore. I feel like a car that has been crashed to many times-I need alot of maintenance to run right again.
Life is tough enough already without him adding more drama. I just want to know how to make it stop. Someone pass along some wisdom.
And some Rolaids please, cuz the stress gives me heartburn.