Be Gone!
So yeah...that life sucking monster I was with? Adios, Grande.
Have you ever had that moment where everything just clicks and makes sense, and your path is completely clear? I had one of those yesterday. It was bizarre. Grande and I have "broken up" about a hundred times, and each time, it ripped me apart at the seams and I couldn't imagine anything that would hurt more than I did at those moments. I would cry and plead and make promises just so he would come home, basically stripping myself of any pride and dignity I may have had left. The idea of him moving on was like having a hot branding iron pressed to my heart, I just couldn't bear the thought...
I didn't have any of that yesterday. I don't have any of that now that the anger has more or less melted away. I don't have anything now but hope for the future, and comfort in being able to breathe freely again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm hurt-to the core. You spend 4 years with someone and they knock you over with the lowest of low blows, saying and doing things for the sole purpose of hurting you, thats bound to leave a mark. This is a person I loved and trusted, and that I thought felt the same for me. I gave this guy my whole life, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Despite all the shitty situations he's put me through, I still remained solidly by his side, telling myself that we would make it anyway. As angry as I ever got with him (and I have been pretty pissed off at him on many occasions) there was nothing that I deemed completely unforgiveable. Until yesterday.
It's like he pushed one button to many, and now there's no going back. I don't want him now. I've never not wanted him. Even if I did, there would still be no going back because the trust is completely gone. I wouldn't trust the bastard to do my fucking dry cleaning! Do I love him still? I suppose I do, on some level, and I doubt that's something that will ever completely go away. But now all the bad shit has surfaced and is eclipsing anything that was once good. It's like I turned us on in HD and can see every flaw...things aren't so blurry anymore. I can't make excuses for him, nor do I want to. He's made my life hell, made an ass out of me, and continues to try and play dirty games with me as I write this. Now that I have put him out, he has no place to go. Normally that in itself would bother me. I would let him come home just for that particular reason, making myself a sucker in the process-its like I allowed him to use me but refused to see it. He didn't care what he was doing do me. Now, I couldn't care less what happens to him. He put himself in this situation yet again, and I'll be damned if I'm the one who bails him out of it. It's winter, and I live in Chicago, people. It's effin cold out there. Maybe the cold snow will finally shock some sense into him. Even if it does, I still won't be there.
Look, I was far from an angel in this thing with him. I definitely had my own issues, and admitedly, some of the things we went through were all because of me. But the difference is that whatever I screwed up in, I made a conscious effort to change it and learn from it. I changed so much that I actually lost sight of who I was to begin with, and molded myself and behaviors around what he wanted from me. I wanted things to work so bad though that I didn't care to look at it that way, I just thought I was compromising, growing into a better partner. I didn't want to tell myself that I was being manipulated completely. I really had high hopes for us. I thought that all I had to do was be loyal and love him enough and we could make it past any obstacle. I was right alot of the time, at least I seemed to be. Unfortunately love doesn't erase the asshole in a man. Time to move on.
Have you ever had that moment where everything just clicks and makes sense, and your path is completely clear? I had one of those yesterday. It was bizarre. Grande and I have "broken up" about a hundred times, and each time, it ripped me apart at the seams and I couldn't imagine anything that would hurt more than I did at those moments. I would cry and plead and make promises just so he would come home, basically stripping myself of any pride and dignity I may have had left. The idea of him moving on was like having a hot branding iron pressed to my heart, I just couldn't bear the thought...
I didn't have any of that yesterday. I don't have any of that now that the anger has more or less melted away. I don't have anything now but hope for the future, and comfort in being able to breathe freely again.
Don't get me wrong, I'm hurt-to the core. You spend 4 years with someone and they knock you over with the lowest of low blows, saying and doing things for the sole purpose of hurting you, thats bound to leave a mark. This is a person I loved and trusted, and that I thought felt the same for me. I gave this guy my whole life, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Despite all the shitty situations he's put me through, I still remained solidly by his side, telling myself that we would make it anyway. As angry as I ever got with him (and I have been pretty pissed off at him on many occasions) there was nothing that I deemed completely unforgiveable. Until yesterday.
It's like he pushed one button to many, and now there's no going back. I don't want him now. I've never not wanted him. Even if I did, there would still be no going back because the trust is completely gone. I wouldn't trust the bastard to do my fucking dry cleaning! Do I love him still? I suppose I do, on some level, and I doubt that's something that will ever completely go away. But now all the bad shit has surfaced and is eclipsing anything that was once good. It's like I turned us on in HD and can see every flaw...things aren't so blurry anymore. I can't make excuses for him, nor do I want to. He's made my life hell, made an ass out of me, and continues to try and play dirty games with me as I write this. Now that I have put him out, he has no place to go. Normally that in itself would bother me. I would let him come home just for that particular reason, making myself a sucker in the process-its like I allowed him to use me but refused to see it. He didn't care what he was doing do me. Now, I couldn't care less what happens to him. He put himself in this situation yet again, and I'll be damned if I'm the one who bails him out of it. It's winter, and I live in Chicago, people. It's effin cold out there. Maybe the cold snow will finally shock some sense into him. Even if it does, I still won't be there.
Look, I was far from an angel in this thing with him. I definitely had my own issues, and admitedly, some of the things we went through were all because of me. But the difference is that whatever I screwed up in, I made a conscious effort to change it and learn from it. I changed so much that I actually lost sight of who I was to begin with, and molded myself and behaviors around what he wanted from me. I wanted things to work so bad though that I didn't care to look at it that way, I just thought I was compromising, growing into a better partner. I didn't want to tell myself that I was being manipulated completely. I really had high hopes for us. I thought that all I had to do was be loyal and love him enough and we could make it past any obstacle. I was right alot of the time, at least I seemed to be. Unfortunately love doesn't erase the asshole in a man. Time to move on.
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