::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I obviously haven't been here for a while- my reasons why vary from day to day, but mostly it's just because I haven't felt like it.  It's no secret that the majority of this blog is depressing; taking my current situation into consideration, I don't know that I want to add another 'I hate my life' post to the pile, but alas, here I am.  I am a glutton for catharsis, and I blame YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE for planting the seed to do this.  Again. Whatever, let's roll. Life has been a rollercoaster for the last year.  Let's recap: 'Arthur' is gone from the picture and Good Riddance.  He lasted less than a month before I told him to kick rocks, or eat dirt, or whatever the saying is, parole be damned. He became the kind of person I despised, and I haven't seen or talked to him since.  He was a glaring reminder of my intolerance for bullshit, and there is no love lost on my end, hashtag BYEFELICIA. My cold, dead heart has risen again. Tooda...

OOOOoooh It's gonna be a purging bonanza today, my friends. I've been holding in so many secrets that I could be a Mafia consigliere, and I literally can't do it anymore or my emotions will go on strike.  Here we go. I have a friend, and for anonymity sake, we'll call him Arthur.  Arthur and I have been friends for over 20 years, strictly platonic all the way.  Arthur hasn't had an easy life, and unfortunately, he's gotten himself in trouble a time or two, and has spent some time inside Illinois finest institutions.  To his defense, he's been forced to grow up and take a hard look at his life, and has turned himself around. Up until three days ago, Arthur was 'away' for about 4 years.  During that time, he and I communicated by writing hundreds of letters, and eventually moved to phone calls and visits.  Over time, I learned that, aside from very  sporadic contact with his mom and aunt, I was literally the only one that he had contact with.  T...

I now understand the true meaning of the phrase 'hair trigger'. Happened to me today.  I was happily rolling along, minding my own little biz, singing along to Tori Kelly, annoyed at the semi driving 7 miles an hour in front of me, then, BAM. A little invisible emotion ninja roundhouse kicked me in the throat and I had to remember how to swallow and breathe for the next two blocks. I'm babbling now.  Let's rewind. Five months ago, my friendship with Poppa took it's last breath. There was no warning.  No fight. No disagreement. Hours before, we were texting and sending stupid jokes back and forth. Few days before, he was acting a little distant, and when I confronted him about it, I got, and I quote: "Of course not baby, why would I be mad at you?  I love you." Suffice it to say, everything was fine...until it wasn't.  I found out about his desire to end our friendship through (you ready for this?) INSTAGRAM. Via some stupid meme/quote things that...

*One day, someone will walk into your life, and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone else. *One day, love is gonna find you when you least expect it. *One day, someone will see all that beautiful and realize how amazing you are. *One day, someone is gonna love you the way you've always deserved. *One day, you'll get all the happiness you've ever wished for. *One day, someone is gonna see past all your flaws right into your heart. *One day, all this suffering will have been worth it. *One day, you're gonna wish for your single days again. *One day, the man that we truly meant for you will fall out of the sky and into your path. *One day, we'll be zipping up your wedding dress. *One day....

How, exactly, can I put these feels in terms an outsider can understand? Ok, picture this... There is a huge, sparkly, magical door. You've been standing outside of this door your entire life, knocking, wishing & hoping for it to open, so you can finally be a part of what's on the other side, because it's gotta be pretty amazing.  A few times, someone has deigned to poke an eye through the peep hole, maybe even crack the door an inch. But never, under any circumstances, have you ever been let inside, and after a lifetime of knocking, you still don't know why, but still sit against that door hoping for it to open. I have no relations with my extended family on either side of my lineage.  Some of that is by choice; I blogged about my mother's side of the family a couple hundred posts ago, have yet to have anything to do with those shit eating cunt bags, and thank every higher power in any religion that I share no actual DNA with them.   On the fl...

This blog is about to go in a radically different direction. I considered starting up something new just for this purpose, but, when everything is said and done, I would like to be able to look back and see my whole journey from start to finish, and the beginnings that led me to where I am now, and to where I'm going. First stop on the journey: My days of being fat are numbered. I've made a few steps forward on this and a hundred steps back, but now the wheels are in motion, and there's no going back. Eighteen months from now, I will be a completely different person, not only physically, but in every other metaphysical form there is. After TONS of research, idea kicking-around, advice, and soul searching, I have opted to go for weight loss surgery. I'm realizing that after much failure, I can't do this on my own, and I'm out of time to lose what I need to in order to be healthy.  Lucky for me now, I am still relatively healthy despite my current size, but...

OK, so let's start a list.  -Got over my ex: ✔ -Taken time to "find myself“ after said breakup (whatever that means): ✔ -Attended a restaurant/movie/concert/wedding alone ✔ -Taken a trip solo: ✔x3 .. Oh, and lest we forget the biggest & baddest... -Learned how to love myself and be comfortable with being single: ✔✔✔✔✔✔✔✔ .. Though it should be noted that such a task would be tough to complete when one has been single as long as I have.  I checked all the boxes, did all the stuff single people are supposed to do during their single days. I've had adventures and sowed my oats (or something), I've been the kick ass single chick for way longer than I signed up for, but I'm bored!! I'm done being single, it's not fun anymore.  It's not fun attending social events and not having someone to rehash the highlights with over ice cream in your pajamas when it's over. It's not fun be...