Humanoid

On paper, I am a woman. A daughter.  A sister. A mother.

At home, I am a landfill.  A punching bag. A roommate. An invisible annoyance, like a bad smell you can't get rid of. I'm the fixer.  The payer of bills and solver of problems...yet outside of that, I am a nobody; a complete non-entity in my own house. Just someone that takes up space and makes sure all the boxes get checked, but still not quite a human person with needs and feelings. I basically do not exist unless someone needs or wants something, and once that need is fulfilled, they go right back to looking right past me, as if I was never there in the first place.

People like to wax poetic about how tough mothers are, but never consider how tough it is to be one. They don't consider the possibility that the kids you bust your ass to raise will grow up and know how to shoot you in the heart. No mother is tough enough to withstand that, no matter how thick your armor is.  Mine have learned not only how to shoot me, but how to spear me in the guts while staring straight in my eyes without a grain of remorse. 

Every day, I wonder how I got here.  I'm not ashamed to admit I've made my share of mistakes over the last 22 years, but my intentions were always on the right side.  I don't always know what to do or how to fix things, but I do the best I can with the lot I've got.  I made sure that, despite all the struggles we've gone through, that my kids would be the last to feel it.  They grew up with every creature comfort, every basic necessity, and wanted for nothing, even if I had to suffer to make it happen.  They weren't always happy with me, but I got respect for making the best of everything.

Now they're adults, still living at home, still relying on me to make the same sacrifices for them, only this time, that respect is completely absent.  Me asking them to chip in on a bill or buy a few groceries is like asking them to single-handedly cure cancer, but they will bitch when the internet gets suspended because I didn't have enough money to cover the bill. Of course, if they need something, "mom" is supposed to jump in and play Captain Save a Hoe when Kid#1 is out of tampons or wants to get her nails done. "Mom" is supposed to just be cool with Kid #2 when he wants to take off with his buddies instead of finishing his Econ project or cleaning the bathroom. Once they ultimately get what they want, "Mom" ceases to exist anymore, and I'm back to 'Loser', or 'Bitch' or they just don't bother acknowledging me at all. 

Despite being constantly shit on, I bend over backwards for my kids, yet when I need something, I basically get told to go to hell- in fact, just today, I asked Kid #1 to pick me up from work since my car is still in the shop- This is the same kid that lives at home completely rent and bill free at 22, works when she feels like it, doesn't contribute a dime to the household, but only lives here because her punk ass boyfriend pays rent, yet she still walks around with a chip on her shoulder like I personally shat on her face- anyway- I asked her to pick me up, since my car was not ready when it was supposed to be. Her response: "I'm not trying to be a dick, but, that's not my problem."

Hm.  Ok, cool. Picking your stranded mother up from work, the mother that works to SUPPORT YOU, 'isn't your problem', so now I'm going to make it my motherfucking mission to make sure your wants and needs are no longer mine. And by the way, thanks for that bold reminder of how much you hate me, I'll be thinking of that as I return every last one of your Christmas gifts and use the money to treat my motherfucking self.

Kid #2, while less hateful, is no better.  He makes sure that I know that I am a burden to him, and that he doesn't want to live with me. 

Not sure which one hurts more.

Talking to them is pointless.  I am not a human being in their eyes. If I cry, I'm 'dramatic and/or annoying'. If I tell them about how they're hurting me, I get told what a failure I am and that I deserve it. All of my shortcomings are laid out like junk at a flea market for them to nitpick over and justify the fact that they treat me like garbage..it's emotionally draining, and nothing ever gets resolved. They don't give a shit about me, and sure as fuck don't give a shit about how I feel. 

I am completely isolated and alone in my own house. I have nobody to talk to. The three people I live with have gone to great lengths to separate themselves from me, and don't bother to acknowledge my existence unless they want something or need to bitch at me. It is literally them vs me, and I'm only here because I pay the bills.

I have no social life, and on the off chance that I do have something to do, I'm questioned relentlessly because fuck my privacy, or one of them makes sure to absolutely destroy my mood before I even leave the house. 

I work two jobs just to make sure ends meet, and you would think that my children would oppose this, or maybe help more so I didn't have to, or, at the very least, say fucking thank you, but nope. Me telling them I have a 20 hour work day gets absolutely no response, or worse, 'NOBODY TOLD YOU TO WORK TWO JOBS'.

I could spontaneously combust in front of the two of them, and their only concern would be who would have to clean up the mess I left them. 

I can't help but wonder what the fuck I'm even doing here.