Just When I thought I Was Out...

For all intents and purposes, Jones and I have calmed down...sort of.  I was juuuuust starting to get to that place where I had a good handle on my feels, and could pretty much keep them tucked away...but of course Mr Wonderful had to go and be wonderful again and now I'm back where we started.

To be fair, he's been pretty great lately, but we've kept things platonic...cool. It made it easier for me to be rational around him and not want to jump his bones every time I saw him. But of course, I'm a full on sucker for his sweetness, and he's so thoughtful sometimes that it makes my head swim.Then all he has to do is flash that grin at me and I'm sucked right back into his vortex.

Our so called 'incidents' have been few and far between recently, but that storm has been growing and brewing and finally made landfall in a big way earlier this week. Nothing even has to be said anymore- all it takes now is a look and I find myself pressed against his door with his tongue in my mouth, or better yet, bent over his couch with him pressed inside me. Even then, I can't get enough of him. He makes me feel things that I haven't felt in a long time, and he's not even mine. 

I'm absolutely positive that my feelings for him go beyond physical.  We have a genuine exchange - I can talk to him and count in him, and he comes to me when he's stressed, just to talk and calm down. We laugh and poke fun at each other, and have little inside jokes and secret looks. I know there is an actual connection. Most of all, I know without a doubt, if I needed him, he would be there.

I am fully aware that I'm playing with fire, but it's not even conscious action anymore, it's like it just..is. I've said it before: my intention is not to break up his marriage or keep him for myself- I was fully aware what I was getting into when I did it, and I know my place.  I just did not anticipate real feelings, and they are my own cross to bear..and if he feels the same, I'll shoulder them too. It wasn't supposed to be real. Now I'm almost afraid to face what it actually is.