Cement(ed)
It's been a year, give or take a few weeks, that things went belly up with Poppa for the last time. For the most part, I plowed though this time like a champ, using my anger and hurt at him as fuel to keep my emotions off and not think of him. After everything that happened, him making snap judgments on me, not bothering to hear me out or just offer the support he should have as my best friend, it was like something snapped in me and I jumped right over sadness straight into 'Fuck You' mode. No love was lost, I was just done. Or so I thought.
Aside from my one emotional outburst after Kid 1 ran into him, I didn't shed any tears whatsoever. The relationship was ash as far as I was concerned, and I feel like I got a break from the heartbreak it should have caused. Cool, I'm gonna cruise on with my life and do me.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. Like herpes, he started to flare up and slowly make his presence known in my brain again. It started with a few fleeting thoughts, something would remind me of him, then slowly morphed into me having random dreams about him, to me missing him so bad that I randomly broke down in tears in the middle of my kitchen the other night. So, like the levelheaded person I am, I impulsively sent him an email telling him how I felt, without a hesitation or minced word to be found. I expected nothing, I just needed to get it out. I didn't want too look overeager by sending him a text...plus I thought he would have me blocked in his phone and it would fall on deaf ears anyway.
He called yesterday, just when I stopped hoping he might. He apologized, we were both emotional. I'm still trying to catch my breath from it. We still have a ways to go before we can be 'us' again,and still have A LOT to discuss. I realize now though that no matter what happens, we will always find our way back to each other. The way we love each other is beyond even my own comprehension. He is my Person, and he belongs in my life.
I don't yet know what to expect from this reunion. Part of me feels so much relief, like a missing piece has been returned and I can breathe again. The other part has so much apprehension and unresolved anger/sadness/mistrust, and it's warring with how much I love him and the need to have him back in my life. We're taking baby steps, but I'm d y i n g to run directly to him and (1) bury my face in his chest, and (2) say everything I want to say to him in person and get it the fuck off my chest. I want to get all this dirt off of our relationship and start fresh, and the waiting is killing me.
Mostly, I just fucking miss him in overwhelming fashion.
Aside from my one emotional outburst after Kid 1 ran into him, I didn't shed any tears whatsoever. The relationship was ash as far as I was concerned, and I feel like I got a break from the heartbreak it should have caused. Cool, I'm gonna cruise on with my life and do me.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. Like herpes, he started to flare up and slowly make his presence known in my brain again. It started with a few fleeting thoughts, something would remind me of him, then slowly morphed into me having random dreams about him, to me missing him so bad that I randomly broke down in tears in the middle of my kitchen the other night. So, like the levelheaded person I am, I impulsively sent him an email telling him how I felt, without a hesitation or minced word to be found. I expected nothing, I just needed to get it out. I didn't want too look overeager by sending him a text...plus I thought he would have me blocked in his phone and it would fall on deaf ears anyway.
He called yesterday, just when I stopped hoping he might. He apologized, we were both emotional. I'm still trying to catch my breath from it. We still have a ways to go before we can be 'us' again,and still have A LOT to discuss. I realize now though that no matter what happens, we will always find our way back to each other. The way we love each other is beyond even my own comprehension. He is my Person, and he belongs in my life.
I don't yet know what to expect from this reunion. Part of me feels so much relief, like a missing piece has been returned and I can breathe again. The other part has so much apprehension and unresolved anger/sadness/mistrust, and it's warring with how much I love him and the need to have him back in my life. We're taking baby steps, but I'm d y i n g to run directly to him and (1) bury my face in his chest, and (2) say everything I want to say to him in person and get it the fuck off my chest. I want to get all this dirt off of our relationship and start fresh, and the waiting is killing me.
Mostly, I just fucking miss him in overwhelming fashion.
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