Baby, You're A Firework

I am So. Frackin'. HAPPY!

Just being able to truthfully say that is a huge deal for me, but seriously.  It's like I got a dump tank worth of happy just dropped in my lap overnight and I opened it and it exploded on me.  Holy crap...I'm lightheaded.

2012 was not exactly a banner year for me. Granted, it had it's ups, so I'm not knocking anything, but as for the personal stuff, yeah, not so awesome.  I spent most of it with a painted on smile, but inside I was pretty much crushed all the time.  I was crazy lonely, and the outlook on my love life was pretty grim. I wrote it here so many times that I got sick of saying it and wishing for it to change, and after a while the wishing just stopped.  Of course, that's when the all encompassing Universe decided to drop off a li'l sumn sumn, just when I wasn't looking for it.

  I'm not gonna go into crazy, drawn out detail, cuz I kinda just want that stuff for myself for now, and if things don't work out in the end, I don't wanna look like a punk.  Nutshell: I met J, he's amazing and sweet and smart and funny and romantic and sexy and calls me Angel and wants ALL of me. Just how I am. Not only my body, but my company and everything that goes with it. He calls me in the morning just to say Good Morning and to wish me a good day, and does the same before I go to bed.  This man has TWO full time jobs, but makes sure to text me throughout the day just to tell me he's thinking about me. On our first date, he planned out the rest of my week LOL! My dance card has four punches in it for this week alone.  I've smiled so much in the last few days that I'm afraid my cheeks are gonna shatter and butterflies are gonna flutter out.

I went into things with him very reserved; I was reticent and hesitant and had a massive, steel encrusted wall up for my own protection. I've been with dudes who know how to spit bullshit and say all the right things at the right time, get what they want from you and BOOM they're gone.  I was so skeptical and wasn't interested in getting my hopes up due to shitty past experiences.  All those things are still true, and still in place, but I'm finding it easier to drop my guard a little at a time as things progress.  I want this. I want this thing to be what I hope it is.  We sat at a diner together talking and laughing for three hours.  He was sad about missing my birthday, so he had the server put a candle in our shared stack of pancakes, then fed them to me. How do I resist something like that?? Just thinking about it makes me smile again :)

I don't need the drippy, gooey, sweet like a toothache stuff, but it's kind of nice at first.  He totally wears his heart on his sleeve, and is determined to pull mine out of it's crypt and put it front and center.  That's hard for me, but dammit I want to.  Worse than that, I can see that it's gonna happen, and it scares the living hell out of me.  

Somebody slap me before I sabotage this shit!!

I want this, like I want air to breathe.  This happens for everyone and fuck it's gotta be my turn already. I'm keeping every digit and appendage that I have crossed, hoping that Magic Carpet I'm riding on now isn't ripped from under me yet again.