::Let Me Clear My Throat::

I dunno if it's the weather or just the current state of my affairs, or a bitter cocktail of the two, but I can't shake the overwhelming feeling of ickiness that has crept over me these last few days.  I've been feeling bitter, angry, sad.  I've become completely withdrawn, hibernating in my bedroom for the last 2 days with only Netflix to keep me company, fighting to swallow that " I'm gonna cry" lump that formed in my throat for no reason at all.  Things irritate me without much reason, and when they do, I get irrationally angry.  I don't care enough to hold onto it for very long tho-the apathy causes it to burn out as quickly as it came.   I'm really lonely these days, which is probably my own fault.  Unfortunately it's become a catch 22-I'm alone because I don't want to bring my bullshit up to anyone, and as much as I can't stand the isolation, the embarrassment of it inevitably coming up in conversation would bother me twice a...

Father, I pray for courage as I begin this day, for I understand there is work to be done, burdens to be carried, feelings to be shared and joys to be celebrated. Grant me the courage to be silent that I may hear Thy voice; to persevere, that I may share Thy victory; and to remember, lest I forget the way by which Thou has led me. And when this day is done, may I have the courage to see Thy guiding hand in the friendships that have been made, in the hurts that have been healed, and in the strength that has been given. Amen. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart. Psalm 27:14

  My mom and I had a conversation earlier today that landed on the subject of me and my "possible someday" marriage/long-term partner. Sparing you the superfluous details of the conversation, I surprised myself by coming to a conclusion that even I didn't see coming:  I don't WANT it.   The shock on my mother's face when I said probably matched my own, but after I said it, I realized that I don't feel bad about it.  The simple fact that I feel this way, however, is what bothers me. I don't want any part of a committed relationship, (or even an uncommited one for that matter) but for as long as I can remember, it was all I ever wished for. Now, just the idea gives me the willies.  It's disconcerting, this whole shift.  It's sudden, and it's a weird feeling, and I'm starting to think that I just don't believe in love anymore.  I mean, if you have it and you're happy, that's great, because it works for you.  I'm just starting...

 Several months back, after a fight/"walk your ass home" marathon, the X, being the vandal that he is, decided to take out his frustration on a road sign...or three.  He found the blackest of black paint pens, and immortalized himself both coming and going, so that when I traveled this stretch of road as I often did (and still do), I would have a constant, unwelcome reminder of him whether I wanted to or not.  Thanks..you shouldn't have.  Really.   So, the other day I was alone in my car, feeling introspective, enjoying my own company, having a conversation with myself in my head-wait, you do that too, right? Of course you do-anyway, so I'm cruising along, and happened to come upon the sign, and realized, with sort of an odd pleasure, that his name was faded.  So many days I have passed that sign, and I looked at it every single time I passed.  For so long just the sight of it, bold, brash, larger than life, was like having a hot butche...

I feel as if there is a storm brewing inside me, ready to go ballistic without a moment's notice.  The irritation is churning inside me like the build up to a hurricane, ready to wreak havoc at the slightest tweak in pressure.  I hate this about myself, but I can't seem to turn it off...the sickest part is I don't think I want to.  I want to blow up.  I want to do some damage.  Part of me feels like I need the pressure release in order to restore some balance.  Even then, I'm afraid to open the floodgates for fear that I may not be able to close them again.   I have come full circle in the worst possible way.  I came from Hell, rose from the ashes, had 2 months of bliss, only to be plunged right back into the fire again without warning.  It's hard to not think that my destiny is to have a shitty life.  I can't seem to escape it for very long...when I think I have it licked, the darkness finds it's way ...