Anybody Got a Baseball Bat? Yeah? Good, Bash Me In The Head With It.

First things first:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, that was cathartic.  So here is tonight's aching in my chest.  I miss him. I think.  If that wasn't injury enough, here's the insult cherry on top: I don't WANT to, and I'm absolutely hating myself right now.  I don't want to feel anything for him but extreme dislike and pity for him that he has no heart.  I don't want to feel all itchy and irritable and skin crawly the way I always do when we don't speak....the way I do right now.  It feels wrong-but WHY??  No contact with him is what I'm supposed to have, it's the logical thing to do.  But if it is smart and normal and logical, etc, then why does my whole being feel completely out of whack when I do it?  Why does it feel like half of me is gone with him when I stay away?  And why, pray tell, do I feel like that huge missing piece I have when he's gone feels so magically repaired on the rare times we do have contact?  I literally feel my lungs fill up and the icky feeling disappears and it. is. FABULOUS.
I'm not lonely, if that's what you may be thinking.  I have dates, I have suitors, I have attention, and truth be told, two of them are wonderful, amazing, gorgeous specimens that any girl would be damn lucky to have.  The problem?  I'm only marginally interested.  I'm a fucking trainwreck.
Does anyone believe that there is that one person you're supposed to be with, no matter what happens?

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