::Let Me Clear My Throat::

OK, so a few months ago, things sucked with a capital SUCK. I know that, and I boohooed all over this website and cried myself a fucking river and crossed it in my little canoe-I get it, and I'm good with having that in my past and knowing I left it there.  I'm also aware that I vowed to never post another depressing 'woe-is-me' paragraph, and I am not about to break that promise now, but I never said I wasn't gonna vent, because if I don't, I'll be blogging via pen and yellow legal pad from Rikers where I'm doing a bit for great bodily injury or manslaughter or some other such fucking horrible crime and I don't even live in New York but it will be bad enough to send me there-ANYWAY!!!!  Granted, I am not in such a horrible place now, and I consider myself lucky that I'm safe and I know it could be alot worse, but I have to be real:  I'm living in a house with Pops and his two roommates, Drunk and Drunker.  I am literally hanging onto my man...

There is nothing sadder than watching someone backslide.  You know those people, the ones who had some nasty problem/addiction/emotional problem in the beginning, overcame it for a while, showed what an awesome person they were and how much potential they had to be even better...only to later fall right back into the same trappings they were caught up in before, all the good shit down the toilet.  What makes it worse?  The excuses they have for doing so.."My family member is sick/I have no job/My boy is going to jail/It's Mardi Gras/St. Patricks Day/Christmas/TUESDAY."  Meanwhile, listening to this neverending word vomit, you're looking at this person thinking, 'this is the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen, the whites of his eyes and his skin are yellow, and I know he's got a half a pint stashed in his backpack.'  Ever that steady, caring person, I still try to be that rock for him, to try to beat him with compassion and empathy and show him that s...

**Originally posted offline on March 6*** Some days are still harder than others. I’m doing ok, for the most part, but the sadness still creeps in every so often, like now. I don’t take for granted the fact that I’m in a better place emotionally than I was a month ago. That was an abyss I never thought I would escape from, but I did. … (” I fell apart, but got back up again…”) Every so often tho, I have the compulsion to retreat, to shut myself off from everything and everyone, maybe out of habit, or necessity, tho I haven’t decided which one. I just know I have to or the anxiety creeps in. I don’t want to talk or hear mindless chatter, I just want to be alone with my thoughts and brood for a while, leave me alone. It’s not easy to do, being in a house with four other people, but more necessary than ever, just to keep my sanity intact for the time being. I am in a better place, but still not 100%. I AM in a position now where I just have to make changes, and I don’t have somethin...

My last depressing post? Yeah, that's my last depressing post, ever. Yesterday I became a new person. New life was breathed into me and gave me a better outlook on things. I realized that even when you feel at your lowest and that you don't have anything, it can still get worse and you can easily lose what you do have. Its time to appreciate the little things, and to not just 'exist', it's time to live. I'm letting go of the things that poison me and darken my day. I want fresh, positive things and people to surround me that don't mind when I want to stop and smell the flowers once in a while. Life is a struggle, every single day is a challenge. But how I deal with those challenges, present and future, will make all the difference. I'm still struggling, but I realized yesterday that things really could be a hundred times worse. I have friends and family that care, my babies near me, and I'm free of worry. For once, even during this time, I know that...