::Let Me Clear My Throat::

  I thought that after my last post I would start to feel better.  Truthfully, I pretty much flatlined-no better, no worse....that is, until today.  I wish I could promise this entry would have a positive spin, not just to the reader, but to myself.  Sadly, I disappoint yet again.   Today started off at around a 3, but quickly faded.  As of now it's at about a 0.5.  I'm barely holding on to my sanity with my fingernails, and don't really feel like trying anymore.  In my already fragile emotional state, someone who shall remain nameless decided to add a few more loads to the already overflowing pile of shit I'm buried beneath.  I'm suffocating, and I have no more fight in me.  I'm ready to just be consumed by it all and be done with it.  I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, and I can't help but wonder what the point is.  I'm expelling all this energy to live a life I can't stand.  I have no happiness, it always gets...

  On a scale from one to ten, today is about a 2.  I can't shake the dull ache of sadness that has crept over me.  I feel like I'm trapped inside myself and there's no way out.  Thoughts of my problems are on overdrive, eating at me, suffocating me, and I'm alone with no distractions and nobody to lean on to take me out of it for a while.  Depression is holding me hostage, and there's no rescue for this.  I want out.

Let me just make this clear first: I don't wish to be wealthy. Some people do, and I don't judge, I'm just not one of them. I'm too much of a realist. Sure, I'd be glad if it happened, ( duh) but I try to stay grounded and wish for more attainable goals, like just being comfortable. Not even that-I just wish to be OK. I want to know that all my bills will get paid every month and nothing is being shut off. I want to be able to pay my rent on time every month and not be afraid to speak to my landlord for fear that he wants to evict me. I don't want to have to choose between these things and making sure my kids eat. Right now tho, nothing is "OK", and everything that I am afraid of is actually happening. Struggling is making me more and more bitter as each day passes, and I'm inadvertently resenting people who have it better than I do. I wonder what it's like to have that "OK" feeling, instead of a knot on your stomach and stress eatin...