::Let Me Clear My Throat::

Dear Zilla,    If you're reading this now, good.  I  think figured out why you're getting my posts, but I'm not fixing it.  I WANT you to read them.  Everything I ever wanted you to know or wanted to say to you but couldn't is in here.  I think you should subscribe and enjoy the ride.  You may learn a few things, like how your selfish actions affect those around you, i.e., ME .  Maybe together, we can teach you how to grow a heart again and learn how to use it. Sincerely, The "Love of Your Life"

First things first:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, that was cathartic.  So here is tonight's aching in my chest.  I miss him. I think.  If that wasn't injury enough, here's the insult cherry on top: I don't WANT to, and I'm absolutely hating myself right now.  I don't want to feel anything for him but extreme dislike and pity for him that he has no heart.  I don't want to feel all itchy and irritable and skin crawly the way I always do when we don't speak....the way I do right now.  It feels wrong-but WHY??  No contact with him is what I'm supposed to have, it's the logical thing to do.  But if it is smart and normal and logical, etc, then why does my whole being feel completely out of whack when I do it?  Why does it feel like half of me is gone with him when I stay away?  And why, pray tell, do I feel like that huge missing piece I have when he's gone feels so magically repaired on the rare times we do have contact? 

"God I'm hurting and need you today...Lord walk with me til I no longer sway.."   Feeling a little weak today. Nobody ever said the healing process was easy, but nobody reminded me just how hard it is either. These are the things you should never forget; it would teach you not to let it happen in the first place. Love and vulnerability are tricky things.  Without them, a relationship can't grow, but with them, you open yourself up to daggers. Before you know you're about to get stuck, you're already too far gone to close yourself back up.  The same thing that brings you joy can also bring you to your knees. I'm trying to not hit the ground so hard anymore... "Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable." --Wizard of Oz

Back in February I chased a handful of pills with a bottle of rum.  There, I said it.  I wasn't trying to kill myself; I was trying to hurt myself tho, but with good reason.  I wanted a break. I needed a pass for a few days from all the drama I was going through, and to be able to rest without guilt or pressure.  I wanted people to feel sad for me; to look at me and realize how bad I was hurting.  I wanted to be coddled, taken care of.  I was tired of being the one with the responsibilities, the stress, the gray hair at 32. I wanted to escape my bullshit life.  I wanted my idiot ex boyfriend to feel like shit for what he did, because it was a contributing factor to my act.  I wanted him to look down at me, all small and weak in the hospital bed, and cry and pledge himself to me and tell me how sorry he was and to never do something like this again.  For the record, he did cry, while calling me a fucking idiot.  I guess I was.  I wanted to be deemed unfit to live for a while.  I t

'Most of the time My head is on straight, Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate. I don't build up illusion 'till it makes me sick, I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick I can smile in the face of mankind. Don't even remember what (his) lips felt like on mine Most of the time. '  I struggled with how I wanted to word this post.  I hate to admit that all this moxie I've had in the last several weeks pulled a disappearing act, and some raw emotions resurfaced.  I've made mistakes in my healing process and allowed myself to be vulnerable...I dropped the armor suit a few times and let him in, all in the name of grieving.  Now it feels as if the flames are licking at my cheeks again, because I let myself right back in to the seventh circle of Hell.  Not a place I would recommend for a vacation....   Its hard, this whole 'break up with the love of your life because he's a cheating bastard and heal but secretly