::Let Me Clear My Throat::

  Your call today came as a great surprise to me, being that we haven’t spoken in more than three months.  I would be lying if I said I haven’t been thinking of you lately; You cross my mind in passing quite often, and I’ve wondered how life has been treating you and how you’ve been adjusting to all the changes.  It was nice to hear that not much has changed for you. Yes, I said "nice".  It means I am not missing much afterall.  I don't wallow in your misery, but as far as the “healing process” goes, nothing helps more than knowing your ex is still scraping the bottom, just as you were when we broke up.  I have come far, and you…haven’t.  Please, don’t think me bitter, because I’m not.  The good person in me truly wants better for you, to know that you’ve turned your life around and become an upstanding citizen.  The scorned woman you left behind, however, is dancing in her panties knowing that you haven’t changed shit since we split, and th...

I make it a point-everyday-to count my blessings. I am thankful that my kids are happy and healthy and that we have a close relationship. I'm thankful for the fact that I am in a better position now than I was at this time last year, and that I have made huge strides in improving my life, and did it on my own. A day does not go by that these things don't cross my mind, especially when I feel the urge to complain. That being said, I've made a huge effort to not post any negative, whiny entries complaining about my sucky life, like I've been known to do in the past. I've been pretty successful in that, but it's hard to live all shiny happy rainbow sunshine when you still have lingering clouds. :Quick translation: Despite the "good things", I still feel uncomfortable, discontent, unfufilled, and frankly, mildly unhappy. And despite all the strides I'm making for the greater good, it feels like these clouds just seem to get larger every day. I've...

I need a recharge. To say that I have been 'unlucky in love' is like calling a plane crash 'unfortunate'.  I should be declared a disaster area, complete with the yellow tape and American Red Cross standing by.   Two weeks ago, I was an overjoyed, ecstatic ball of happy, so much so that I was shooting rainbows and sunshine out of my eyeballs.  Out of  nowhere, an old acquaintance came barging into my life and swept me off my feet like he was Cary Fucking Grant.  My whole world flipped and tumbled upside down in the most delicious way possible.  It was the last piece of my long disassembled puzzle, finally falling into place, and I fell right into the hype, not even thinking, just enjoying the fireworks.   But alas, we're talking about ME here... the universe doth giveth, and Baby Mama Drama taketh away just a few days later.  No surprise here. Needless to say, having the rug pulled from under me, again, was not a pleasant feeling. ...

CLICK HERE  <----- Psst...Hey- see that link?  Yeah that one.  Click it and prepare to fall in love.  You can also click that little music box to the right and it will take you to the same place. You're welcome. :)

With a fresh coat of paint also comes a much needed fresh start. Tomorrow is the jump start of me being back in the world on my own two legs. This has been a long, intense year, and being back on my own has been a long time coming. I've lost count of how many times I've wished for this, and now it's finally in front of me. I think I might have an anxiety attack. I literally can't get out of this town and this situation quick enough. This town feels like a prison to me now, and I can't wait to bust through the other side and taste that freedom, to run to it and never glance back over my shoulder at what I'm finally able to leave behind. I can leave all the bad memories and vibes and reminders right here, and I finally get to start over, clean slate. I can't think of a greater reward than that.

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog. Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally compa...

It's crazy how one day I can be waxing philosophical about karma and anger and how much better life has gotten, and the next day, all that luck seems to crumble and I'm left feeling violently homicidal. It seems to be just my luck that when I take two steps forward, I get knocked back at least three, like some Higher Power is determined to keep me in my predetermined "place".  Did I inadvertently piss someone off in this life or another?  Because I can't for the life of me figure out why I have to claw my way out of a hole everytime I turn around.  It's exhausting and damn frustrating. Whatever transgressions I've committed in whatever life, I truly feel as if my repentance has been paid, and then some.  Given that, why the hell am I still getting bombs dropped on me just as I'm starting to get ahead?  Can a girl ever just catch a break and be able to gain some footing, or am I destined to go through life always watching my step?