Onward, Upward & Sideways: An Update

I'm no stranger to strife. I've made a life out of it. For the last 6 weeks, however, I have been all but welded inside the Struggle Bus with zero hope for escape.

Every attempt I made to find a suitable place failed.  I was still paying the bills, so saving money to move was impossible. I spend hundreds of dollars on background and credit checks for myself and the other adults in the house only to be denied because of me. When we finally got (reluctantly) approved for a perfect place, I watched it fall through right before we were to sign the lease. Every door was being slammed in my face.  My daughter and her boyfriend openly called me a loser to my face, and fuck if I didn't feel like one. I started to fall completely apart, and pulled away from all of them so I could drown myself in my own pity.  Nothing worked out in my favor.

I was convinced for weeks that I would be homeless and alone by the end of this month. I resigned myself to the idea that Kid#1 and her BF would be starting life on their own, while I had absolutely no prospects, not enough money, and not enough credit to get a place on my own.  Not content to let my innocent son go down with my sinking ship, I convinced her to take him along, and that I would figure things out for myself.  As long as they were fine, I could breathe...even if that meant sleeping in my car.  I had no other options, and laid down and quit fighting. I was spent, and just didn't care anymore.

This is the part where the clouds break up and reveal the sun.

I went out last Saturday to babysit for my brother- I have no life anymore so why not soak up some temporary smiles from my niece and nephew while I can, amirite?
Driving through my neighborhood, I noticed a For Rent sign on a house 3 blocks away. I didn't call it right away, but that house stayed in the front of my brain all night, and I was dying to call about it, more so than any other property I had seen before it.
I called it the next morning, and things just started happening quickly from there.

• I was given the lockbox code to let myself into the house at my convenience.
• The owner basically handed me the house without so much as a meeting or an application.
• The next day, I was greeted with an email from my loan company saying I was suddenly eligible for a loan, which I needed desperately and could NOT get before this.
• Met with the owner as a formality, and found out he was super easy going, very friendly, and happy to rent to me without any legal red tape. 
• He's also extremely cute. 
• And single. And did the cute 'so is your boyfriend moving in' thing to see if I was also single. 
• Paid my deposit and signed my lease this morning thanks to his personal visit to my job. He looked even better than he did two days ago, and made me a little tongue tied. 
• We officially move in next week.
• I'm wondering how long I should wait before it's appropriate to ask him out.
• I still never filled out an application.

I'm honestly a little shell shocked at how easily everything has come together.  All of that struggle for so many weeks, and suddenly, things just fall right into place.  I'm not one to believe in all that Jeezus stuff, but I have no doubts that somebody was watching out for me and that things happened exactly like they were supposed to- like, none of the other places worked out for this very reason. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm just glad it happened, because I can breathe again after holding it for a very long time.  You never know how poisonous an uncertain future is until things are set right again, and it's amazing what a difference a week can make.

Now, I'm just focused on moving out of the toxic spot I'm in, and fantasizing how I will set up my cute new place. The idea of having to buy area rugs fills me with glee, because that means I get to punch the place up with my own color palette.  Everything feels bright and shiny, and it's been so fucking long since the last time I felt like this that I'm drowning in it.
It's not just the house- everything is suddenly falling into place. I'm losing weight and still on track for surgery late this year. My job is great and I've never felt more securely employed, and I have an awesome relationship with my boss. Things have been getting easier with Kid # 1. Everything is going click...click...click right into their designated spots.  It's a foreign feeling. 

At this rate, I'll finally be able to say that I'll be ending the year way better than I started it.


Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.