Strangers With Memories

It's been six months since my fallout with Poppa.  In that time, I didn't cry over any of this, even though there is clearly plenty to cry about.  I was too hurt and angry, and knew leaving him alone was for the best. I was essentially trying to scrub him out and forget I knew him. I didn't want to hurt about it so I buried it under the anger. I made a concentrated effort to not think about him and get on with my life, because what he did was unforgivable.  For the most part, I have been successful in just regarding him as someone I used to know.  Deep down it hurts, but the I remember why we 'broke up' and it makes it hurt less. I was doing so well..until the dreams started.
Little things always remind me of him. Semi trucks, certain songs, characters in movies, random things like that. I acknowledge them when they cross my attention, and then let them pass.  There's no point in fighting the fact that he existed in my life, and made an impact on it, so I don't. After a while, all the reminders manifested themselves into my subconscious. It started with one random dream...then it started happening every night.  I never remember details, I just know that they're always about him. This has gone on for two weeks. You would think this would be enough to shake me up, suck a tear from my eye, something, but I've done the best I could to not give it that kind of attention.
Yesterday fucked me up.
While gossiping with my daughter, she jumped up with "Oh I forgot to tell you!" and proceeded to tell me how she ran into Poppa and his kids at Walmart. The first thing he did was hug her...then ask how I was. Hearing that made the dam break and immediately made me crumple up and cry, as if she kicked me right in the face.  My first immediate reaction, other than the tears, was white hot fucking jealousy. I knew she didn't deserve me to aim it at her and I didn't, but I was honestly so fucking jealous that it was her that ran into him and not me. Then I couldn't help but wonder, if it was me, would he even stop to speak to me?  Just thinking any of this makes me insanely angry at myself. The circumstances of our fallout were fucked up, but the fact that he had the hots for my kid tipped the scales for who was the more terrible person in his direction. He doesn't deserve to have me cry over him or miss him, and maybe we're way better off staying separated, but this proves to me that no matter how much I try to bury it, I'm gonna be stuck with him in my head.
She's now trying to play friend fixer with the two of us, but I'm not sure I want to fix any of this. He told her he'll think about contacting me again, but I hope he doesn't. I wouldn't know the first thing about how to fix things with him, and despite my feelings for him, I don't think I want to go through the trouble of trying. Things will never be the same anyway. Between him and Flaco and the new guy and all the other bullshit I've been through over the last year, I'm honestly just desperate for a fresh start. It's like I'm walking around in skin I can't shed, and it's suffocating and hot and itchy and I just want to wiggle out of it and get away completely. I'm craving a permanent change of scenery, new friends, a new life. This one hasn't been so great to me so far despite my efforts.

I'm angry about this now.  I'm willing to bet he's sitting back smug as hell, thinking that I've spent the last six months crying over him, wishing for him to call me-UGH!!! Every time we've fought, it's ALWAYS been me that has had to stick out the olive branch and try to repair things, and I'm always the one making compromises to maintain our friendship.  I don't want that anymore. I hate that he's probably thinking I'm gonna slink back to him again and beg him to talk to me.  I'd much rather he left me alone so I can rid myself of him.

I'm fucking annoyed now.