::Let Me Clear My Throat::

Sometimes I wonder if there is a magnet around my neck that only attracts men looking to step out on their significant others. They flock to me, tails wagging, like their waiting for a treat. I feel like fucking catnip. I honestly don't know why they look at me and automatically deduce that I must play the side dish to their main course. I don't generally partake in such activities, because we all know my stance on karma, but I have to admit, it's kinda fun to go along with the charade sometimes. It's as if I'm simply taking a whiff of forbidden fruit, but instead of actually giving in and taking a bite, I allow the fruit to dangle untouched... perhaps even until it turns blue. (hehehee...) Nobody ever said that being a tease was a crime, and that's what you get for having designs on someone else when you have a perfectly happy, albeit oblivious, partner at home. This tends to happen to me often, especially when I run into guys from my past who are now off the...

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.                                               -Matthew 5:8  I am not a Bible Beater.  Although I am a baptized Catholic, I wasn't brought up with any real formal religion unless you count a few years of Sunday School. I admitedly know nothing about the contents of the Good Book other than the basics and a few select verses, including this one. I stumbled upon this  a few years back, and it resonated with me more than anything else I had read up until that point.  My take on the Bible is that it's subject to reader interperetation, so I took this message and ran with it the way that I saw it.  I vowed to be "pure in heart"; to be kind, loving, pure in my intentions and have no hate in my heart.  I reaffirmed that tho I am not without sin, I have always been a good person, and for that, G...

Depression is a dirty motherfucker.  It's low down and sneaky, shady, waiting in the wings to pounce, only needing an opening.  Worse than an infection, it's an affliction, a dormant virus, flaring up just when you thought you finally had it licked for good.  It's a hole in my world, and it's swallowed me up yet again.  This time the apathy that comes with it makes me not give a shit about crawling out, or much else.   For the last couple months, I've literally been rolling through life on auto pilot, living the same routine day after day.  I wake up, go through the motions, and go to bed, and the cycle repeats, and it's all gray. I am merely a body these days, just existing, most of my emotions in a flatlined state.  On the rare occasions that any sort of emotional spike occurs, it hits me like a battering ram, whether its anger or sadness, or on very rare occasions, short lived happiness. Those times make me feel like I've completely lost control of...

A thought hit me yesterday... When did I go from living to just...existing?  I say that because, here I am, animated and kind of breathing (damn asthma), shuffling around doing the same thing day after day, completely on autopilot.  Everything that I do is mindless-instinctual. Breathe, sleep, pee, eat, Facebook. Any sort of real stimuli is completely absent in my day to day routine, and what's worse is I have no desire to find any.  Do I like the way things are? Of course not, but I don't have any drive to make changes.  My plans to go out this past weekend ended up falling thru, and on the surface I was kind of pissed, but deep down I was relieved that I didn't have to go and put on a show, plastering on my best party girl smile and pretending to be this "WOOO Girl" that I'm clearly not.  If some people only knew... Am I depressed? Maybe.  Interest for things that I used to like is all but extinct.  I don't have the desire sometimes to get up and...

I have started a full out love affair with the West coast, Southern California in particular.  For the first time in my 34 years, I have finally made it all the way West, and I had to tear myself away when it was time to come home.  Nobody really wants to come home from vacation, but in my case, it was like tearing off my arm. Tony Bennett may have left his heart in San Francisco, but I left mine in Orange County, and I need to get back to put everything back together.   I can't even explain what it was.  I know this:  The peace that I felt just being there was something I don't experience much in my life at home.  It's like my entire soul calmed down for a few days, and all it took was some ocean scented air and the waves of the Pacific.  Feeling the sun on my face made me deliriously happy, the sight of palm trees as I descended into LA gave me giggle fits, riding on the 405 in the middle of rush hour didn't give me heart burn.  The vibe there...

::sigh:: Who wants to guess what this post is about?  Anyone? Bueller?? True to form (mine), New Boyfriend is now in the Ex pile.  Crossed off the list and next-ed like a bad MTV show.  He lasted just under a month, just when I actually thought, finally, that I was done looking for a while. Unfortunately, I am a magnet for self absorbed liars that, at the end of the day, only want to get into my pants,  In his case, he wanted to see me get into the pants of others, and was adamant that it would happen ASAP.  He also faked the funk on the love stuff, but kept dragging me along anyway, hoping that said events would still take place.  This, accompanied by a few more lies and virtually no remorse, pretty much hermetically sealed the coffin. Oh, but he had an excuse-you ready for this one? It's a doozy. He was unsure he wanted to be my boyfriend because of the state of my driving priveleges.  He said he 'reevaluated' our relationship the night I tol...

It's now safe to say that he is indeed growing on me, and I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my ever present guard in place. I didn't want it this way, not this soon! I thought I was doing so well playing it cool and aloof, and then all of a sudden I was smacked in the face with my own feelings. Maybe it was his confession that rattled my cage and allowed me to feel safe to let go...I dunno, nothing makes sense anymore. I just know that when we don't see each other for a few days, I miss him like crazy. His voice mail greeting makes me smile. His texts first thing in the morning set my whole day in motion. And it's extraordinarily easy to randomly imagine us together a year, 5 yeas from now. Like, I don't even have to try, it just happens. What the hell is going on??? Things are going well.. More than what I'm used to. He and I seem to be pretty evenly matched. He challenges me, makes me laugh, cheers me on, supports me, cares about my well be...