Flaco Joe 2: The Magnificent Return

"I think a person can fall in love millions of times through life in different stages, and I don't deny any of them.  Each one of them had merit, some more than others (I see you, Flaco...)."

                           -Me, December 2017

It was a Sunday morning. I woke up warm and entangled, my head on his chest, with bands of tattoos wrapped around me and lips in my hair. The second I opened my eyes and looked up, the world as I knew it was turned completely upside down. Those few minutes are now forever burned into my brain, and things haven't been the same since.

For nearly 14 years, I've been lucky enough to have this beautiful man weaved into the fabric of my life. I've taken his presence for granted, keeping my distance to protect myself, and I kick myself for that now. Just looking back on the half dozen posts on this blog that pertain to him make me smile and sad at the same time. I smile because I'm reminded how amazing he was even then...and I realize how much time I wasted by not letting myself feel everything I feel for him now, and that's the saddest thing in the world to me.
I understand why I did it at the time. I've explained it dozens of times here alone. I just wish I could have known then what I know now, especially now that I've never been so sure of anything in my life...

He is The One.

I know that now, as surely and easily as I know my own reflection. Realizing that didn't feel like bolts of lightning  or fireworks or any other such dramatics..it just feels how anything good and true is supposed to feel. Like a key fitting into a lock. 

The way that I love him is different from anything else I've ever experienced. It's like a low, slow simmer...when I'm with him, it bubbles and pops like lava, only because he kicks my heart into a full sprint when he's around me. It's not dramatic, but it's intense, and burns hotter than any other feeling I've ever had. It. Is. Everything.

Over the last year, things have been great between us.  We've spent a lot of time together, and it keeps getting better.  We went out recently, and just like so many of our other times, the whole place faded into the background, and it was just us, but this time was different..better...more feel-y.  We had the best time, and I remember saying something to him, and he busted into the loudest, longest laugh I've ever seen come out of him..we both nearly fell on the floor in a fit of giggles and laugh-tears...thinking about that still makes me smile crazy hard. It was the single greatest moment between us in our whole history- it may not sound like much, but I guess you had to be there. I'd never made him laugh like that before, and his joy made me want to do a little victory dance. You totally had to be there.
  We went back to my house after, and after MONTHS of silent agonizing, I was finally ready to confess my feelings to him. I was more than ready...they were eating me alive and I was dying to tell him.  I just could never find the right window all night- I didn't want to tell him at the bar, because {1} who does that, and {b} I didn't want to make our fun night awkward if he didn't take it well. I planned to tell him when we got home....except...
well, lets just say I didn't want to cheapen my feelings by blurting them out when we were, um...sweaty. Ahem. (sidenote tho: that session was intense as hell. maybe he had an inkling. he's intuitive like that.)

I did manage to finally say it out loud. And by out loud, I mean I whispered it when he was spooning me...fast asleep. In my defense tho, he fell asleep quick as hell after, um, things, so in reality, I didn't have the opportunity. 

I knew I had to make it known, and I was tired of wasting chances.  I wanted to say it to him while he was physically with me and before I lost my nerve.  He was asleep, so I shot my shot: I grabbed my phone and texted: 

:pretty sure I'm in love with you:

I took a deep breath, kissed his forearm, and hit SEND, knowing that would be the first thing he'd wake up to. 

I immediately wanted to grab his phone and delete the message, because holy fuck what did I just do ohmigod.

I think I may have slept for a total of twenty minutes thanks to anxiety. 

In the morning, after the Worlds Greatest Wakeup (giggity), he kissed me, got out of bed, grabbed his phone, and went to the bathroom, while I bathed in a cold sweat and tried to keep my heart from bursting through my chest and flying to China. He came back in the bedroom with a funny look, and asked if I was ok, kissed me, smacked my butt, and told me to get up. NO mentions WHATSOFUCKING EVER of what I know he saw on his phone. I walked him to the door, and like every other time, got a face melting kiss goodbye, and he left. 

I pretty much went into cardiac arrest from the stress of it all.

I knew I had to address it.  I texted him the next day and made him aware that I meant every word I said.  He didn't return my feelings, and I didn't expect him to, but he didn't freak out. 

In fact, things between us have only improved more since I told him. Part of me, albeit a very small part, didn't expect to hear from him for a while.  I thought I messed up.  The last time I tried telling him I was catching feelings, it got awkward, and I was afraid of a repeat. I was so off. We talk regularly.  Visit often. He texts me in the middle of the day with no preamble, just to say hi.  We have pet names lol. It's gooey and disgustingly adorable.  I know he feels something, but maybe can't put it in words. He is literally on his way here as I type this paragraph, and my insides flutter in anticipation just like they did over a decade ago. I knew this would happen eventually.  I held the dam up for as long as I could, but as soon as those walls came down, I was a goner, I was just delaying the inevitable. 

Now I am in a weird sense of limbo. We are still not "official", but I don't think he sees anyone else, and I can't even entertain the idea of anyone but him because I have it so bad. I feel like I dropped a big enough bomb, and I don't want to push, but after 14 years, maybe I should. I want him. All of him.  As much as I want to be married, I would be content with just a commitment, some definition, knowing we are a unit. We've been through so much, and a big change needs to happen. SIIIIGH. FUCK I have it bad.

Whatever.  My bae is about to be here, so ToodaLoo for now.

I said "bae". FUCK.