::Let Me Clear My Throat::

It sucks to still be pathetically single. It sucks worse to be bombarded by friends getting engaged all around you. In one day, five couples I know have gotten engaged.  FIVE. In one day.  Including my ex, for the second time.  Meanwhile, a dude I dont even like decided he doesn't even want me.  I am making a valiant effort to be happy for them. Some of them I actually don't have to fake.  Still doesn't make it suck any less that it's them and not me.  Doesn't make it suck less that I don't even have anyone on the radar to hope for.  I dont want to be this person. The bitter, lonely hag that begrudges everyone else's happiness, but my chances of that are slimming every single day. 

I probably don't have the right to mourn the loss of someone that was never really mine to begin with. What's right and logical, however, doesn't always translate into what's real. The sadness I feel over him is so strong it's kind of shocking. Things ended just about as fast as they began, but within that small time period, he took a piece of me that he didn't deserve, and the loss is so tangible. I just.. I wanted what he was offering so bad. It was literally everything I've ever said I wanted here, right in front of me for the taking, and I went all carpe diem and jumped. As soon as I landed in something soft, the bottom opened up and dropped me on the ground, hard. It's not just a matter of 'Aw man I'm single again'.. I was finally becoming resigned to the fact. Honestly, it was just him. Him that I wanted, and him that I hated losing. His words and actions meant everything, and finding out none of it was true was more devastating than...

Once again, I'm left ass out looking like a fool, and I'm not entirely sure what happened. We had two amazing dates, the second better than the first.  Lots of smiling, kissing, laughing..he held my hand while we drove. He met the family- hugged my mom, sat and had an actual conversation with my kids for over an hour. Told me he couldn't wait to see me again as he was kissing me goodbye. We were on track, heading towards something awesome.  I was like a shaken bottle of champagne. Then it just... stopped . Our conversations over the weekend were slim to none.  He barely said 5 sentences to me, and that was only after I reached out to him.  I tried calling him last night, and of course, he didn't answer, nor did he make any moves to return my call or text me to say he was busy. He texted me this morning with a simple 'How are you'.  When I mentioned my call the night before, I tried to open things up, letting him know I was just hoping to hear his voice. Or...

I am in trouble. Massive, face down in a puddle, probably never the same again trouble. Early 2006 just caught me unawares and slapped me in the face so hard I am flipped completely inside out with no idea how to right myself again. This, of course, means a boy is involved. This isn't just any boy- this is a bona-fide Man.  The capital M was done on purpose, because that's what he deserves.  This is the man that, on our first date on that fateful day in 2006, held me so tightly and so close while he danced (danced!) with me that we nearly became one person.  This is the man who was first to brush my hair from my face, look directly into my eyes, and tell me I was beautiful. This was the man that made me feel everything a girl is supposed to feel for a boy and then some.  This is also the man, much to my own detriment, that I dropped like a hot potato when The Rams literally fell into my life.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Eight years ...

Everyday I have to pretend I'm not dying inside. That's almost as hard as that dying part. I don't begrudge my friends or family's happiness, I just want a little piece of my own. My second cousin is celebrating 43(!) years of marriage, that's amazing to me.  But it also serves to remind me that I'll never have that.. A lifetime with someone I love.  I feel like my life has been wasted waiting for that person, wondering if they'll ever come at all. 

I am wildly unhappy with my life. There, I said it. There are lots of people that can say this, but I'm unhappy to the point of near madness. I've played the role of the kick ass girl power happy go lucky bad ass for a long time because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought if I dialed it in, I would actually start to feel like that, kind of a fake it til I make it thing. I'm not gonna lie, it did work for a while, so I'm not knocking my own process. The thing about that is the momentum has to run out sometime when there's no catalyst behind it, and that's exactly what happened. Now here I am again, drifting behind, with nothing in front of me but empty space. I'm 35 years old, and I'm not even close to having my shit together. How mortifying is that to even say? My peers are married, homeowners, have grown up jobs, are in reasonably good shape, money to spare, etc.. Meanwhile, I'm a fat, single loser with never ending legal ...

Adrenaline is a funny thing.  My first couple of workouts had me feeling like Superman and SheRa had a baby and it was me.  Then I got sick, and all that Power Juice trickled out of me everytime I sneezed.  The workouts got harder; my muscles felt like they were gonna cave in after 5 slow minutes on the elliptical, and my asthma-riddled lungs screamed for a medic.  Sometimes I felt like my heart was gonna explode like that overcooked turkey on that Christmas Vacation movie.  Everytime, I wanted to stop, grab my bag, and head back to my truck, even tho I had only been at the gym for 20 minutes.  Instead, I plopped myself on a locker room bench, caught my breath, and remembered why I was there.   Failure isn't an option.  And if I let myself walk out of those doors having done nothing to fix what I've done with myself, then I've officially failed.  I was so hyped up on "reconstructing" myself that I forgot you have to lay a fountation before ...

It's official:  My new body starts today... They say the first step is always the hardest, but I have to disagree.  My first step was not only easy, but it excited me to take another.  I know this won't be easy.  I know I'm gonna slip up, and I know some days my couch will look way more appealing than an elliptical, but I have to keep my eye on the prize.  This is the first step, and I leapt into it, and I'm not gonna slow down until I hit my goal...Once I do, I may not want to slow down at all. I'll be posting my progress weekly, and I may even make this really exciting and step this up into a Vlog, because of course you want to see my face, right? Of course you do!  I'm going to be dipping into a preliminary workout tomorrow, just a quick one, so my body doesn't go into shock when I really dig in.  I got this!! Eye of the tiger baby, eye of the tiger....

Well, well, well..Look who's back like the prodigal?   It's been 4 months since my last post.  Four months of deep breathing, soul searching, and scrubbing off the scum of 2013..and if I'm being real, the last 34 years of my life.  I decided it was finally time to start fresh, shake off the funk, and start piecing myself pack together a little bit at a time, and my journey begins right here.     My time away gave me the opportunity to reevaluate some of my priorities.  I'm still very much single, and I'm mostly okay with that. As a matter of fact, none of my old flames have been around at all; all part of my Clean Sweep Program.  I've eschewed all of my former FWBs, choosing to go hermit instead of hussy, and they all pretty much disappeared soon enough.  There are one or two that are still persistent, but I'm good at ignoring text messages and pretending to be dead.  My head just isn't into it, and neither are my genitals. I'm waiting ...