Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Fornever

Being single allows you lots of time to reflect.  For instance, I reflect on my past relationships.  What did I learn from them?  What could I have done differently?  How did they change me as a person? That sort of stuff.  This sort of reflection allows you to face truths about your relationships that maybe you didn't see before. My truth hauled off and smacked me in the face, only because I didn't want to face it before, even though I always knew it was there.  You ready for it? It's a doozy:
A man has never been in love with me. Ever.
After a good handful of serious relationships throughout my teenage/adult life, this revelation seems random and hard to believe, I know, but after really looking into it, I'm sad to announce that it's true.  Perhaps we should explore this, complete with bullet points for clarity...
  • My first very serious relationship was with Baby Daddy #1, God rest his soul. I was seventeen, and we lasted just shy of 3 years.  Not bad for a first try.  I have no doubts that he felt some sort of love for me, I was his first serious relationship as well, but while I loved him, he was more emotionally dependent on me than anything else.  And once he realized having a kid was hard, he bailed, and I didn't see or speak to him again until 5 years later when I was with...
  • Baby Daddy #2.  Most of you already know our backstory- I've known 2 since before 1 came on the scene.  We managed to make it almost four years together, happy only for about half of that.  I believe that he cared for me at some point, but it was never love for him. I think it was obligation more than anything. That feeling was reinforced just recently when I found out the truth: When we first started dating, he settled for me, but actually wanted to be with my best friend.  She was unavailable, and I got to live a lie for more than a decade. How fucking special.  Then of course, this guy falls in my lap...
  • Ramsey Adam "Rezorek" fucking Camarillo. Yeap, I'm dropping dimes on this one cuz he doesn't deserve anonimity-Hiya doin', Googlers!!! This one for me is kind of muddy.  You see, the way I felt for this man (past tense, Mrs. Berry!!) was more than what I felt for 1 and 2 combined and doubled.  Because of that, I like to believe that something was there for him, because how could you let someone love you like that and feel nothing?  Then I remember who I'm talking about, and realize that it's perfectly feasible when said person has a giant black heart and is incapable of loving anyone other than himself.  He proved it over and over again and I refused to believe it.  I believe it now. He put me through seven circles of hell--no kind of love would have allowed that.  He was with me strictly for conveinience, something he also said to me more than once. I had crazy, intense, overwhelming love for him, and sadly, there was never a return on my investment.
Wow, I kinda suck.

I didn't include any of the random, short lived in-between flings on here, because, really, what would be the point?  My blog explains those to death already, so read up and fill in the blanks.  
This isn't an easy thing to face, and if I'm being honest, it's really fucking sad. Like 'rip-your-still-beating-heart-out-and-watch-it-crumble' sad, especially when you factor in my age.  This is something I should have had, like, multiple times over by now, and I have the ridiculous misfortune of being able to say that I have no idea what being loved actually feels like.  Wow, just saying that feels like a punch in the face. Damn.

Experiencing emotional difficulties.

...composing myself so I can continue...

I should mention that I didn't set out to make this a "Cry for me Argentina (or Turkey, Greece, Italy, India or the Netherlands)" kind of post.  I really did set out to make this a fact-based, analytical self reflection, but now I'm just sad, so fuck analyzing, I'm just gonna cry for a while.  Oh, and (insert witty closing remark here). Later.




2 comments:

  1. ok 1) where did you get your blog layout? I love it and want to copy it

    2) love is a messed up thing. I think all these guys at one point did love you. I know you want "fallen" in love but I think it was there at least a little bit. doesn't it have to happen just a little bit for things to start the ball rolling

    3) now that you've identified some issues, why do you think you've settled for any of it? Can I go Dr. Phil on you?

    Sitting back and reflecting on all that you have gone through, what are the positive things that you have learned?

    There's an old saying "never regret something because at one point it was exactly what you wanted". Were these people what you wanted or thought you needed?

    I know being alone can suck and being lonely is even worse. At points I've felt alone in marriage which is even worse than any of it. Please hold onto your faith. That unwavering knowing and trust that you deserve someone great because you are great to others. I have found solace in my dreams and in others. If they can do it, so can I.

    Be true to you or I'll slap you...in a naughty way of course.

    from meesh meesh to feesh feesh. rock on with your bad self.

    loving you

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  2. I was using the Dynamic Views template, but now they don't work, so I went back to the original layout. You just have to play with the advanced settings.
    I don't really know if I "settled", I think I was just hoping something permanent would take place with each try. I learned something from each one, mostly just how to be a better partner and what NOT to do. I learned alot about myself and what I need, and what kind of person I am. I'm waaaay too forgiving, and that can be a blessing and a curse. I know that I set my expectations too low, and that i do deserve something great. Its just not easy to come by.

    ReplyDelete

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