Rabbit Hole

Depression is a dirty motherfucker.  It's low down and sneaky, shady, waiting in the wings to pounce, only needing an opening.  Worse than an infection, it's an affliction, a dormant virus, flaring up just when you thought you finally had it licked for good.  It's a hole in my world, and it's swallowed me up yet again.  This time the apathy that comes with it makes me not give a shit about crawling out, or much else.
  For the last couple months, I've literally been rolling through life on auto pilot, living the same routine day after day.  I wake up, go through the motions, and go to bed, and the cycle repeats, and it's all gray. I am merely a body these days, just existing, most of my emotions in a flatlined state.  On the rare occasions that any sort of emotional spike occurs, it hits me like a battering ram, whether its anger or sadness, or on very rare occasions, short lived happiness. Those times make me feel like I've completely lost control of my own head, and it takes me a while to find it again.  When I do, everything goes right back to gray.
  Basic instincts are the only things that get any focused attention- Breathe. Eat. Parent. Wash my ass.  Everything else has completely fallen off my 'Give-A-Fuck' list. I don't have much desire for maintaining friendships, basically figuring that the only ones that matter are the ones who are there when I crawl out of this hole. It's a selfish way of thinking, but the only one I'm capable of at the moment.  I've given up on hoping for a relationship.  It was futile, and completely just not worth the effort and heartache.  I'm tired of allowing myself to hurt over something that's just not gonna happen.
And true to form, once again I may be paying an extended visit to a county lockup.  Thanks to the current state of my emotional health, I just don't really give a shit this time.  The fact that I can say that while shrugging my shoulders should bother me, but it doesn't.  Whatever. Take me. Aside from being away from my kids, life in there won't be much worse than it is out here. I'll have the same routine, just in a different location.
 A few years ago, I was diagnosed with dysthymia, which is basically just a mild, albeit nagging, form of depression.  You still get out of bed, however reluctantly, to handle your basic needs, but have no enthusiasm for living.  Its like being overwhelmingly bummed, like, all the time.  Now, I'd probably say I was somewhere between that and full on clinical depression.  I'm not so far down that I entertain any drastic thoughts, (been there, done that, God help me if I end up there again) but I'm definitely falling down what seems to be a bottomless hole.  I don't know how to find the strength or desire to try to stop myself. I don't want pity or tough love, & not really sure I feel like getting help.  I don't believe much can help me, and I don't wanna waste the effort to try. I just don't give a shit anymore.