Thursday, April 11, 2013


Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
                                              -Matthew 5:8 

I am not a Bible Beater.  Although I am a baptized Catholic, I wasn't brought up with any real formal religion unless you count a few years of Sunday School. I admitedly know nothing about the contents of the Good Book other than the basics and a few select verses, including this one. I stumbled upon this  a few years back, and it resonated with me more than anything else I had read up until that point.  My take on the Bible is that it's subject to reader interperetation, so I took this message and ran with it the way that I saw it.  I vowed to be "pure in heart"; to be kind, loving, pure in my intentions and have no hate in my heart.  I reaffirmed that tho I am not without sin, I have always been a good person, and for that, God would show Himself to me in the form of changing my life for the better.  Sort of like Karma-put good in, get good out.          
Spending all that time being 'pure' hasn't allowed me to see God.  Instead I've seen only pain, struggle, grief, loneliness, and loss. Does it make me question my beliefs?  Maybe, but it does make me wonder why I have to fight so hard for a little bit of happiness.  I wonder if it was ever intended for me at all.
When you're in jail, everyone is a "Friend of Jesus". Most of the populace throw themselves into religion, in hopes of finding enlightenment and absolving themselves of whatever transgressions they committed to land themselves there.  Everyone is a street-corner minister, saying prayers for this one and that one, myself included.  The one thing I heard constantly, and still do from my outside people, is about how 'God has a plan for me', and 'wouldn't give me anything I wasn't strong enough to handle'. I hate to say this, but uuh... 
God has overestimated my abilities, and evidently thinks I'm a fuckin' cape-wearing superhero.
Yeah, I said it. Bring on the religious persecution.
If that adage has a grain of truth to it, then God's faith in my abilities is severely overinflated. I am drowning  in stress and sadness and bullshit, and it seems like just one more thing added to my already heavy load will flatten me.  I'm trying hard to hold onto this belief-I tell myself if I just hang on a little longer, good things will eventually come my way, and everyday won't be such a hard one.  
My grip is slipping.  Fast.

I don't have super strength.  I'm just a girl who was dealt a shitty hand and have been trying to claw my way to happiness my entire life, but I'm tired.  There is constantly something dragging me down, making my struggle just a little bit tougher.  So if God reads my blogs, this is my plea to Him.  I don't need to be carried, I just need a little push to help me keep going.

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