B.F.F.L.

My best friend in the entire world is a guy.  Big Poppa and I have been thick as theives for somewhere around a decade, and we hit the ground running the day we met, completely bypassing "acquaintances" and jumping straight into the BFF pool without ever a backwards glance.  I look back on that now and realize that was exactly the way it was meant to be.  Oh and in case you're wondering, Big Poppa is really his nickname-I gave it to him in the early days of our BFFL-dom, and it stuck, cuz frankly sometimes, that's exactly what he is. Anyway!

  I don't know how to describe who he is or what he means to me.  He's more than my friend, more than family, not quite a lover, tho we've had a few fleeting moments over the years. To call him my soul mate sounds corny, but that may be the closest I'm gonna get. We have our own language-to be a bystander during any one of our conversations would probably make a jumblefuck of your brain.  We've seen each other through practically everything-he was what held me together during almost my whole relationship with The Ex, and I held him up when his ex wife decided to end their marriage.  Things with us are almost never dramatic, even during stuff like that--all our hard times are smoothed over with jokes and non sensical bullshit that only we understand. With that being said tho, no matter what the topic, we always say "I love you" before we hang up-always.  It's important to both of us. He doesn't do alot of mushy, and whenever it heads in that direction he usually flips the script and turns it into a joke no matter how much I beg him to go with it.

Until today.

The details of how we led up to this conversation escape me now, but we got down to the 'what do you love about me' topic, and I didn't expect him to say much, but I got the shock of my life.  He said the most beautiful, amazing things to me, had me in tears, which had him in tears--we don't get emotional, not like that ("don't you dare make me cry, you fag", he tells me as he's sniffling on the other end of the line-haha) Then of course, he made me return the favor, which started everything all over again.  It was just...wow.  It broke major new ground, and I can't even comprehend or explain how much I fucking love that man.  It was like having my heart the opposite of broken-It was filled, renewed, and he made it swell up so much I thought it would burst through my chest and fly away like a balloon. 

You may be wondering why we never moved past friendship and just been married already.  To anyone looking at us from the outside, that would be the obvious choice.  Admitedly, I'm madly, buttcrazy in love with him- I always have been, and he with me.  Poppa has been my sanctuary, my safe haven; whenever things go backwards or upside down, he makes it better with little effort.  He helps me catch my breath when  life drop kicks me in the chest, and he's the first one I go to when I have good news.  We love and support each other no matter what. We also know each other well-too well for us to have a romantic relationship, and our personalities, no matter how much we gel as Soul Friends, it would be Clash of The Titans in this bitch if we decided to get romantical.  Plus, aside from the fact that we're both already taken, there are others in the equation to consider. His kids, who I love like my own and have watched grow up, see me like an 'aunt', just like my kids look at him as an uncle.  I'm also friends with his ex wife, and no matter how long they've been apart, it just wouldn't feel right.  Still, it's crossed my mind more than a few times, and sometimes I wish...well, you know :)

I just know that I'm so, so blessed to call him my friend.  He's one of the most amazing people I know, and I honestly don't know what I would ever do without him.

**Quick sidenote**  After that most enlightening conversation with my Poppa earlier tonight, I spent a few hours with J.   We were snuggling on his couch in front of a movie, and he decided to let me know that he's falling in love with me.  We've been together 11 days. I don't know how I feel about this new development. Flattered? Scared shitless? I know you can't help how you feel about someone or when it happens (I'm a classic example of it), but we still hardly know each other.  I asked him how he came to that conclusion and he told me its because of what he knows of me so far.  I pushed it and said that it wasn't much, and was told that 'as long as I don't have a penis' he would stand by his word.  I know this is what I wanted with someone, but I'm not even near that point yet, and I think he is hoping for me to be.  I was kinda tipped off earlier today when he whispered "Tell me you love me" while we were making out.  I was too stunned to keep my lips moving after that.

I am...confused, overwhelmed, kinda short of breath, giddy, scared to death, and not really sure what the hell to do now.  Help.