Because it would feel a hell of a lot better than the pain of saying goodbye to my kids yet again. I'd take broken bones with a smile if I could trade.
Tomorrow, once again, I will be at the mercy of the Cook County judicial system. This time, however, I have no idea how long they plan to keep me. I will be walking in having no clue when I will walk back out. The agony of this lack of knowledge is indescribable. Anytime before this, it was easier to swallow. The kids could mark the days, and were able to prepare ahead of time. Tonight I had to watch my daughter cry because she was afraid I wouldn't be home for her birthday or Christmas, and listen to my son plead with me to not go at all, even though he knows I have no choice. Let me tell you, there is nothing...NOTHING more heart shredding than hearing this from them and having no definitive answer to appease them with. I would rather peel my own fucking skin off.
The biggest ass kickier in this whole ordeal? The fact that a person like me is getting locked up in the first place. Here I am, just a single, dedicated mom trying to get by. I'm a good person, I'm a damn good mother, no drinking no drugs, just trying to do right by my children and make sure they have a good life. I get into a scrape of an accident, and BOOM, my life, their life, down the fucking toilet, all because of a technicality concerning my driving privileges. Meanwhile I get grouped in with baby killers, junkies and thieves who don't give a shit about the kids they have, while my kids go without a mom who does for fuck knows how long. HOW IS THAT JUSTICE?? Thinking of all of this sets me on fucking fire.
Who you are is never taken into consideration. The fact that I was just a mom on my way to work makes no difference. According to the corrupt state of Illinois, I am a criminal, just like the assholes I listed above.
The pain of this is unbearable. My kids need me, and I should be home with them.