Monday, November 12, 2012

You Have a Lead Pipe? Good, Please Beat Me With It.

Because it would feel a hell of a lot better than the pain of saying goodbye to my kids yet again.  I'd take broken bones with a smile if I could trade.

Tomorrow, once again, I will be at the mercy of the Cook County judicial system.  This time, however, I have no idea how long they plan to keep me.  I will be walking in having no clue when I will walk back out.  The agony of this lack of knowledge is indescribable. Anytime before this, it was easier to swallow.  The kids could mark the days, and were able to prepare ahead of time.  Tonight I had to watch my daughter cry because she was afraid I wouldn't be home for her birthday or Christmas, and listen to my son plead with me to not go at all, even though he knows I have no choice.  Let me tell you, there is nothing...NOTHING more heart shredding than hearing this from them and having no definitive answer to appease them with.  I would rather peel my own fucking skin off.
The biggest ass kickier in this whole ordeal?  The fact that a person like me is getting locked up in the first place.  Here I am, just a single, dedicated mom trying to get by.  I'm a good person, I'm a damn good mother, no drinking no drugs, just trying to do right by my children and make sure they have a good life.  I get into a scrape of an accident, and BOOM, my life, their life, down the fucking toilet, all because of a technicality concerning my driving privileges.  Meanwhile I get grouped in with baby killers, junkies and thieves who don't give a shit about the kids they have, while my kids go without a mom who does for fuck knows how long.  HOW IS THAT JUSTICE??  Thinking of all of this sets me on fucking fire.
Who you are is never taken into consideration. The fact that I was just a mom on my way to work makes no difference.  According to the corrupt state of Illinois, I am a criminal, just like the assholes I listed above.

The pain of this is unbearable.  My kids need me, and I should be home with them.

2 comments:

  1. My heart hurts when I read this. For whatever it's worth, I think you're a great mom. You set a good example and you care about your kids a lot, obviously, but your love for them (here, fear) is so deep and all-consuming that you seem to stand out even more starkly against the jail regulars.

    This is injustice, and I'm not joking when I say the legal system needs a complete overhaul. I hope the best for you, and I'll send positive vibes your way. I hope your kids don't have to miss you for too long.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Doll. Today was my first day home since I wrote this. I made it, but barely. The irony of this? My cellmate was a woman my age with SIX children, charged with Child Endangerment and Neglect, and the only thing she worried about while in there was her husband, who was ALSO locked up.

      For MOLESTING their nine year old daughter.

      I would shake my damn head, but the force of it would probably make my head roll off.

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