Real World
I am wildly unhappy with my life. There, I said it. There are lots of people that can say this, but I'm unhappy to the point of near madness.
I've played the role of the kick ass girl power happy go lucky bad ass for a long time because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought if I dialed it in, I would actually start to feel like that, kind of a fake it til I make it thing. I'm not gonna lie, it did work for a while, so I'm not knocking my own process. The thing about that is the momentum has to run out sometime when there's no catalyst behind it, and that's exactly what happened. Now here I am again, drifting behind, with nothing in front of me but empty space.
I'm 35 years old, and I'm not even close to having my shit together. How mortifying is that to even say?
My peers are married, homeowners, have grown up jobs, are in reasonably good shape, money to spare, etc.. Meanwhile, I'm a fat, single loser with never ending legal problems, working a minimum wage job and barely making ends meet, 4 months late on my rent and driving a jalopy. I'm barely human. I can't even stand to face myself in the mirror.
I moan and pine away every second of the day wanting to find love, but I'd be kidding myself if I ever thought someone would want someone like me. Even if they did, I doubt I'd even be able to recognize it over the din of idiots that only want me for sex. I don't think I'd ever be good enough for someone to actually want to be with.
I'm low, not necessarily depressed, and this isn't something I need to be 'saved' from or talked out of. It's just me stripping away all the bullshit façades and coming clean with myself and everyone else, and when I say everyone, I mean whoever may stumble on this once I'm ready to make it public.
Do I want this for myself? Hell no, I sure as fuck don't ENJOY wallowing in misery everyday, but unfortunately for me, my situation never seems to change as I was doomed from the womb. I want a simple life with simple problems, instead of constant catastrophes and stress. I want a nice husband who loves me and everything I bring to the table, and can see past all my baggage and ugly exterior. But where I come from, what you want and what you get are usually two very different things.
I've tried to shake myself out, put myself out there, solve my issues, clean up my life. I'm still working on it. I just don't do it with any more gusto because I see no light at the end. I'm becoming reclusive and bitter, everything I tried to avoid. I'm hiding out from friends, have no desire to hang out with my kids and a complete lack of patience for them, I stopped going to the gym because I feel too self conscious, but yet I complain about wanting to have a life. I shut myself off from the world, but all I want is to be in it, soaking it up. I want to live and not simply exist. My desire and my motivation are at opposite ends of the universe, and I have no idea how to bring them together again.
I've played the role of the kick ass girl power happy go lucky bad ass for a long time because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. I thought if I dialed it in, I would actually start to feel like that, kind of a fake it til I make it thing. I'm not gonna lie, it did work for a while, so I'm not knocking my own process. The thing about that is the momentum has to run out sometime when there's no catalyst behind it, and that's exactly what happened. Now here I am again, drifting behind, with nothing in front of me but empty space.
I'm 35 years old, and I'm not even close to having my shit together. How mortifying is that to even say?
My peers are married, homeowners, have grown up jobs, are in reasonably good shape, money to spare, etc.. Meanwhile, I'm a fat, single loser with never ending legal problems, working a minimum wage job and barely making ends meet, 4 months late on my rent and driving a jalopy. I'm barely human. I can't even stand to face myself in the mirror.
I moan and pine away every second of the day wanting to find love, but I'd be kidding myself if I ever thought someone would want someone like me. Even if they did, I doubt I'd even be able to recognize it over the din of idiots that only want me for sex. I don't think I'd ever be good enough for someone to actually want to be with.
I'm low, not necessarily depressed, and this isn't something I need to be 'saved' from or talked out of. It's just me stripping away all the bullshit façades and coming clean with myself and everyone else, and when I say everyone, I mean whoever may stumble on this once I'm ready to make it public.
Do I want this for myself? Hell no, I sure as fuck don't ENJOY wallowing in misery everyday, but unfortunately for me, my situation never seems to change as I was doomed from the womb. I want a simple life with simple problems, instead of constant catastrophes and stress. I want a nice husband who loves me and everything I bring to the table, and can see past all my baggage and ugly exterior. But where I come from, what you want and what you get are usually two very different things.
I've tried to shake myself out, put myself out there, solve my issues, clean up my life. I'm still working on it. I just don't do it with any more gusto because I see no light at the end. I'm becoming reclusive and bitter, everything I tried to avoid. I'm hiding out from friends, have no desire to hang out with my kids and a complete lack of patience for them, I stopped going to the gym because I feel too self conscious, but yet I complain about wanting to have a life. I shut myself off from the world, but all I want is to be in it, soaking it up. I want to live and not simply exist. My desire and my motivation are at opposite ends of the universe, and I have no idea how to bring them together again.
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