Zombie.

A thought hit me yesterday...
When did I go from living to just...existing?  I say that because, here I am, animated and kind of breathing (damn asthma), shuffling around doing the same thing day after day, completely on autopilot.  Everything that I do is mindless-instinctual. Breathe, sleep, pee, eat, Facebook. Any sort of real stimuli is completely absent in my day to day routine, and what's worse is I have no desire to find any.  Do I like the way things are? Of course not, but I don't have any drive to make changes.  My plans to go out this past weekend ended up falling thru, and on the surface I was kind of pissed, but deep down I was relieved that I didn't have to go and put on a show, plastering on my best party girl smile and pretending to be this "WOOO Girl" that I'm clearly not.  If some people only knew...
Am I depressed? Maybe.  Interest for things that I used to like is all but extinct.  I don't have the desire sometimes to get up and go like I should, getting showered/dressed/made up just feels like a chore now that I avoid unless I absolutely have to.  Even writing this blog fills me with "meh" and has taken longer than normal just to get this far.  There's no passion in me for anything; getting out, maintaining friendships, having a simple conversation.  I do what I have to with my kids because it's instinct, but I'm still always "off", just going through the motions.  You would think that this would make me upset, and maybe on some level, it does, but mostly I just feel numb. The year started off on such a high note that I think when everything crashed and burned the way it did, I went with it.  There's nothing on my horizon to look forward to, nothing going on that ignites any sort of life in me...I may be animated and breathing, but I don't feel like I'm actually alive.  Staying in bed all day not having to face the world at all is the only thing that causes any stir in me, but I never seem to be able to do such a thing.  I don't see that as a positive sort of help, I only find it annoying.
I'm not happy. I'm not miserable. I'm not really...well, anything, just kind of floating somewhere in neutral territory, not giving a shit about too many things.  I'm indifferent.  If the opposite of indifference is love, then maybe I need some of that to shake this off.  I need something that will spark a reaction back into me, not only put some light behind my eyes, but throw a fuckin' party.  Right now, it's like nobody's home.

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