Fly In The Fairy Dust

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just sick in the head.  No no, for real, stay with me on this.  Am I hard to please or just on the lookout for flaws?  Do I actually, subconsciously want to sabotage myself? Why am I asking so many questions?
  Ok, so J, AKA "New Boy" is still great and things are going along nicely.  He's sweet to me, we have a great time together, and he really, really digs me, and when I say Me, I mean me as a person and not just the boobs & hair.  Today, he actually did the whole 'Face carress, "You're So Fucking Beautiful"' thing-yeah, he went there and pulled a straight keeper move on me.  Completely out of the blue, not after sex or anything. Shit, as long as I'm being honest, I can tell you that we haven't even crossed that bridge yet and he doesn't seem to be in a hurry to drag me over it.  And the opportinities have been plentiful.  I think he's a fucking ninja.  A Boyfriend Ninja.  He's so awesome that  my mother, who is more jaded and cynical about men than I am (I know, fucking impossible), is already practically marrying me off.  Pump the brakes, Mama Lama...
  Sometimes I like him so much that the smile on my face threatens to split my head in two.  Then sometimes...well, my feelings are little more than ambivalent, and I feel very 'meh' about the whole thing.  That, in itself, is a problem of course, but would be easily rectified if I knew why.  Before you go all thinky poo on me, No, I am NOT sizing him up against my last dramatic relationship, or making comparisons to The Ex, who, in fact, hardly ever crosses my mind anymore.  Yes, my feelings for The Ex when we were together were explosive, and there was never a "meh" moment to be had in the 5+ years we were together, but that's because I spent alot of those 5 years desperately begging for his love and gobbling up the table scraps he threw at me like it was gold.  J is a different guy, polar opposite actually, and I know I don't have to do that with him.  We're still just barely starting out and I know that if we stick this out, the intense stuff will come in time...I'm just afraid the ambivalent moments will outgrow the relationship, and I'm gonna end up hurting him, thus hurting myself and the chance to finally be with a decent guy.  Like I said, self sabotage.  
I think this whole thing scares the hell out of me: the sabotage, the potential of me falling for him, and his for me and me pushing him away.  He's the 'heart on his sleeve' guy and mine is locked up like Fort Knox, and it's really hard for me to let my guard down. It's a recipe for disaster.
  Bottom line:  I want things to work out.  I don't want to push him away because of my lack of enthusiasm, or because I'm afraid to open up.  Here is a guy who finally wants me for everything I have to offer, and doesn't even mind the dents in my exterior.  I know I deserve this, and so far from what I can see, he deserves something just as good.  
  I'm gonna make all of you a promise:  If my neurotic ass ends up fucking things up, I invite all of you to declare open season on me and give me the ass kicking of a lifetime.

Just hug me after cuz I'll probably need it.
xoxo

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