Buckshot.
::sigh::
Despite the way we ended, I'm bummed. More than bummed, I'm fucking sad. Part of it was because I really wanted this to work and for him to be the guy. I really did like him, or who I thought he was, and he definitely had me fooled into thinking he felt the same way. It sucks. Yeah, I know, I dodged yet another bullet, but you know what? I'm fucking tired of being shot at. "Bullets" seem to be the only thing that come my way, and I'm riddled with holes already. How many times can a person go through the same situation before they just have to say fuck it and face facts that they don't have a 'someone'? I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but if I'm being real, the positivity ship has sailed and the only one left is shitty reality. I know what I have to offer someone. Being sweet and funny and pretty and kind and good in bed, you would think I would have no problems landing a good, normal guy, but evidently none of that means a damn thing when you're me. Having this big, paper heart of gold has become my Achilles Heel; how could something like that ever be bad??
For as much as I want and need someone to love and love me back, I feel like the forces of nature are pushing back on me just as hard. The question What's Wrong With Me is on, constantly, like a neon sign in my head. Going through this situation as many times as I have, it's really hard to keep a positive outlook and keep believing that someday my fucking prince will come. My username is what it is for a reason. I've played things with guys in every possible way-I've done the sweet, nurturing thing, done the bitch thing, done the aloof thing, done the careful thing. At the end of each of those roads was that massive gray wall of rejection with its massive black shadow blocking out anything that might be silver.
There's only so many times I can allow myself to be kicked in the face by love before I just stop putting myself in it's way.
It's easier to just convince myself it doesn't exist.
Who wants to guess what this post is about? Anyone? Bueller??
True to form (mine), New Boyfriend is now in the Ex pile. Crossed off the list and next-ed like a bad MTV show. He lasted just under a month, just when I actually thought, finally, that I was done looking for a while. Unfortunately, I am a magnet for self absorbed liars that, at the end of the day, only want to get into my pants, In his case, he wanted to see me get into the pants of others, and was adamant that it would happen ASAP. He also faked the funk on the love stuff, but kept dragging me along anyway, hoping that said events would still take place. This, accompanied by a few more lies and virtually no remorse, pretty much hermetically sealed the coffin.
Oh, but he had an excuse-you ready for this one? It's a doozy.
He was unsure he wanted to be my boyfriend because of the state of my driving priveleges. He said he 'reevaluated' our relationship the night I told him about it. Yeah, that was almost two weeks ago, so it must have weighed really heavily on him. ::dripping sarcasm:: Whatever. I should also mention that this excuse didn't make an appearance until after I busted him out on his lies. It's ok tho nugga, I'll stand by while you try to save face, but we both know you're a lame ass.Despite the way we ended, I'm bummed. More than bummed, I'm fucking sad. Part of it was because I really wanted this to work and for him to be the guy. I really did like him, or who I thought he was, and he definitely had me fooled into thinking he felt the same way. It sucks. Yeah, I know, I dodged yet another bullet, but you know what? I'm fucking tired of being shot at. "Bullets" seem to be the only thing that come my way, and I'm riddled with holes already. How many times can a person go through the same situation before they just have to say fuck it and face facts that they don't have a 'someone'? I'm trying really hard to stay positive, but if I'm being real, the positivity ship has sailed and the only one left is shitty reality. I know what I have to offer someone. Being sweet and funny and pretty and kind and good in bed, you would think I would have no problems landing a good, normal guy, but evidently none of that means a damn thing when you're me. Having this big, paper heart of gold has become my Achilles Heel; how could something like that ever be bad??
For as much as I want and need someone to love and love me back, I feel like the forces of nature are pushing back on me just as hard. The question What's Wrong With Me is on, constantly, like a neon sign in my head. Going through this situation as many times as I have, it's really hard to keep a positive outlook and keep believing that someday my fucking prince will come. My username is what it is for a reason. I've played things with guys in every possible way-I've done the sweet, nurturing thing, done the bitch thing, done the aloof thing, done the careful thing. At the end of each of those roads was that massive gray wall of rejection with its massive black shadow blocking out anything that might be silver.
There's only so many times I can allow myself to be kicked in the face by love before I just stop putting myself in it's way.
It's easier to just convince myself it doesn't exist.
so it's been a week. have you shaken off the funk? I had this big long speech in my head all laid out for you, but it wasn't the time. All I can say is that if you've already noticed a pattern, it's time to acknowledge that it's time to break that pattern. and it starts with you. Find that pattern and shatter it.
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with you is that you think that people like that are even worth the time you spend thinking about him. That's it. You are funny, chill and intelligent and you are going to be okay. It seems like you just have to shut down your romantic side for a little while. Focus on having fun. Casual hookups. Maybe just spending time as friends with people, and then when you think you're ready again you can try dating. But if you take yourself off the market for a little while, you'll be able to assess guys more objectively and thereby decide -- once you know you're ready to date -- whether any given dude is worth it.
ReplyDeleteAlso that little fuck was worried about your "driving privileges?" Um. I'd advise you to run him over but I feel like that might be illegal.