::Let Me Clear My Throat::

With a fresh coat of paint also comes a much needed fresh start. Tomorrow is the jump start of me being back in the world on my own two legs. This has been a long, intense year, and being back on my own has been a long time coming. I've lost count of how many times I've wished for this, and now it's finally in front of me. I think I might have an anxiety attack. I literally can't get out of this town and this situation quick enough. This town feels like a prison to me now, and I can't wait to bust through the other side and taste that freedom, to run to it and never glance back over my shoulder at what I'm finally able to leave behind. I can leave all the bad memories and vibes and reminders right here, and I finally get to start over, clean slate. I can't think of a greater reward than that.

  Yesterday, through the wonders of social media, I stumbled upon the "wonderful news" I have been dreading for the past 9 months.  I was left with a sick feeling in my gut and a sort of weird numbness for the rest of the day, not really sure what my reaction to the news was.  I went on autopilot, and I think I even mumbled out a half-hearted congratulatory email to the new dad.  My brain was in a complete fog. Now that the news has really sunk in, the fog is gone and I have that caved in, kicked in the chest feeling that is far too familiar for my liking.  Logically speaking, yes, I knew this was an impending doom and have had nearly a year to get used to the idea, but it was never "real"...now it is.  There is no avoiding it now, or pretending it's not happening, and that in itself is gut wrenching.  I have to force myself to not think about it, not wonder about his reaction upon seeing his little boy for the first time and then naturally comparing it to

It's crazy how one day I can be waxing philosophical about karma and anger and how much better life has gotten, and the next day, all that luck seems to crumble and I'm left feeling violently homicidal. It seems to be just my luck that when I take two steps forward, I get knocked back at least three, like some Higher Power is determined to keep me in my predetermined "place".  Did I inadvertently piss someone off in this life or another?  Because I can't for the life of me figure out why I have to claw my way out of a hole everytime I turn around.  It's exhausting and damn frustrating. Whatever transgressions I've committed in whatever life, I truly feel as if my repentance has been paid, and then some.  Given that, why the hell am I still getting bombs dropped on me just as I'm starting to get ahead?  Can a girl ever just catch a break and be able to gain some footing, or am I destined to go through life always watching my step?

Ah, Karma. It's a word that seems to be thrown around a lot, most often used loosely to describe common bad luck; "Oh man, a flat tire, I must have lousy karma.." No, you probably were just too dumb to check the tread on your tire- that's not karma, it's neglect.  But I digress.  Karma, by it's simplest definition, is the Universe's way of giving you back everything you put into it, which is to say can be good or bad.  It's the Golden Rule on the largest scale imaginable.  I, personally, have a deep rooted belief in this system, and try to be conscious of everything I do in life, knowing in the back of my mind that sooner or later, it would come back to me in some form.  Being human, of course I've slipped up.  I've been cruel, I've made huge mistakes, I've been selfish and self-centered.  And I believe that I've paid dearly for all of this--you can see it for yourself in my early posts.  I was a fuck up for a long time, and Karma