Still Seeking Nirvana.

I'm getting better at the whole 'self-forgiveness' thing.  I've been learning how to snap the proverbial rubber band every time I start getting down on myself, and it's working. That logical side I told you about is beginning to become a bigger presence, and has a mean right hook.
I've been talking to him a little bit more often, and crazy enough, that helps too.  It's getting to the point now that he is checking in on me, making sure I'm doing okay with everything. That, all by itself, blows my mind.  It reminds me of the reasons why I loved him in the first place. Hold up tho reader...I know how easy it is to go down that familiar road, but that's not where I'm headed, I assure you.  I'm actually getting to a place now where I'm just fondly remembering the good things in my relationship, and that's ok.  That's what is supposed to happen.  I don't want to look back on my relationship with him and have only bad memories and feelings. Truth be told, as bad as things were sometimes, we never lacked passion, which was both good and bad.  Our fights were passionate, our love was passionate, the sex was...well, off the charts if I'm being honest, and underneath all of that, we had a solid friendship.  I think maybe that's the reason we can't leave each other alone.  At least, that's what I would like to believe...

  Moving on to other things...the new guy is about to become old news.  I have reason to suspect that he may be batting for the other team, and if he isn't, he suuure is curious about handling the equipment.  Sparing you the details, I decided to have it out with him earlier this evening about a few comments that have been made, and despite his insistence that he is 'into me, mami', his denials of the other thing were only weak at best.  I'm convinced that one of two things are happening here: He is either playing lefty already (or thinking about it) and is trying to gauge my reaction, OR, he is on some crazy, junior high bullshit and trying to creep me out, for which I have no tolerance or need.  Either way, I think it's curtains for that little sweetheart. I don't give a damn if he's gay, straight, or fucking plaid, just spare me the games and keep it 100.  When you're two years older than me, you REALLY have no excuse to be such a lame.

I hope I don't turn into one of those chicks that uses her ex as the scale to which other guys have to measure up to...other guys won't stand a chance if I were to throw that on the table.  I may as well sew it up.
I'm down for fix ups at this point...anyone got a single pal they wanna throw my way?

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