Suckered.

So Grande has been locked away for a few weeks. We split up just before he went away, because, of course, no issue with us can ever be simply resolved, and I reached the end of my rope. After 2 weeks of being apart, I was able to think more clearly, and find a path that worked for me. I decided that investing 4 years in a relationship, only to get nothing out of it at the end seemed like a waste. I want to be able to say that I did absolutely EVERYTHING in my power to make it work, because if it doesn't, I won't feel like I failed somewhere. So I ventured out; extended the proverbial olive branch. I sat down, and poured out every last inch of my guts into a letter, saying everything I've ever wanted to say but was always too proud to. Afterward, I felt cleansed. I was met with gratitude, inspiration, and renewed hope from the recipient. We spoke a few times after that on the phone, always nice, sweet conversations, almost like we used to have. He missed me, and missed us, and wanted things like I wanted them. He couldn't wait to see me. I felt good, hopeful, for the first time in a long time. "Maybe, finally", I mused, "things will be better because this is what we needed for a new start."

My optimism consistently fails me.

Upon his release, I waited for the phone call. I figured it would come within a few minutes of him hitting the street. When I finally called him, imagine my disappointment to find out he had been released over an hour before. That should have been my first red flag, but eternally optimistic, I let it go, excusing it as he was just busy getting his bearings. Ok, I can deal. He promised to call me when he reached his destination, and he kept his promise. That was about the only thing that went right.

He went on to tell me that as much as he "really wanted" to see me, he was gonna spend the evening with a relative instead, and have a 'guys night'. Irritation started to swell up, but I swallowed it, telling him that I was indeed disappointed, but go have a good time, maybe we can hook up later. I was met with promises he'd call later. Of course he'd break them.

To make a long story short, I haven't heard from him in 8 hours. He's not with the aforementioned relative. Truth be told, I have no idea where he is. I have officially been suckered once again into believing his bullshit. I have absolutely no trust left, any sense of calm and security has been replaced with anger and a slap in the face. I'm constantly, and moronically putting myself out there for someone that would rather forget my existence, but will lie to my face to see what I would still actually do for him. After feeling so strong and clear minded for these last couple of weeks, in one fell swoop he managed to take it all away and leave me in a worse state than I was before. I trusted again, and was burned, again. Apparently wherever, and whomever he's with now takes immense importance over me, and what was supposed to be...us.

I don't know how I can ever have a normal, trusting relationship with anyone else after all the damage he's inflicted. And I let it all happen.